Ontario Family Law Blog

How a Barrie Divorce Lawyer Divides Up The Household Contents

Brian Galbraith — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 10:53:36 -0500

Have you ever fallen in love with something only to have it break, get lost or stolen? Maybe it was a special coffee mug, a favorite blanket or a stuffed toy. Gone forever.

I remember having an emotional attachment to special belt buckle. When it was lost, I was at first angry and then I almost cried. Eventually I felt silly for becoming so attached to a "thing".

In hindsight, I now realize that it wasn't the belt buckle that was special but rather it was the memories it represented.

It was the first buckle I ever won showing horses. It represented hours of hard work and dedication to achieve a goal. As a teenager, it was very special to me.

The division of household contents is often a contentious issue when clients are separating or divorcing. Normally clients lament the cost of replacing items but, in most cases, if you drill deep enough, it is an emotional loss that fuels the fight. It's not really about "the thing".

For example, spending thousands of dollars on legal fees fighting over a used electric kettle worth $2.00 does not make sense on the basis of the value of the item but if that kettle represents the hopes and dreams of domestic bliss or memories of happier days, its value is priceless.

Perhaps fighting over your kettle is your way to avenge the hurt caused by your spouse. There are many reasons for steamy conversations about a kettle but ask yourself "what is the real issue here?"

I encourage clients when thinking about the division of household contents to ask themselves "In five years, will it matter to me if I have this item or not?"

"Fifteen years from now, will I be proud to tell my grandchildren about how we resolved the division of household contents?"

This helps you make priorities and keep things in perspective. Things of a lesser priority can be bargained away to get things of greater importance. Deals can be made and settlement achieved, cost-effectively.

Jason Brown in his blog at Minnesota Divorce and Family Law Blog has an excellent article in which he lists some great methods for dividing up the household contents. He suggests the following:

* Two Lists: One of you makes two lists of items, of roughly equal value. The lists are presented to the other. The person who didn't draft the lists gets to pick which list they want. There is an incentive for the person drafting to fairly and equitably divide things or they'll get burned during the selection process.

* Silent Auction: This is my favorite. A master list of all of your personal property is created. Each party blindly puts a dollar value next to each item. The high bid takes the item at the value listed. Once all items are bid on, the totals for each party are added up. The party receiving the higher dollar value pays the other a cash equalizer to make up the other's shortfall. Parties are free to place a high value on items they really want, but won't list a ridiculous bid out of fear of paying a large offset.

* Arbitration: An arbitrator is basically a private judge. You pay this person, usually a lawyer, to listen to your side of things in an informal conference setting. Then, your spouse does the same. The arbitrator is given the authority to divide the entire list of items as they deem fair and equitable. Costs are saved because the parties attend the arbitration without counsel and divide the arbitrator's fee. Most couples submit to binding arbitration so that the decision of the arbitrator is final.

* Rotating Lists: Make a master list and take turns going back and fourth until all of the personal property is divided. Flip a coin to see who goes first.

However you divide up your things, remember you won't get everything you want and that's okay. It just creates the new challenge of finding replacement items for reasonable prices. You can always go to garage sales or look online for bargains at Craigslist or Kijiji. Shop around. You'll be surprised how little it will cost and how much fun it is to replace those missing items.

In ten years most of the stuff you are arguing about will be safely lodged in a dump somewhere, rotting away to eternity. It really isn't worth the cost or energy to fight over them now.

So save yourself from paying legal fees. Don't fight about your household contents. Just go replace your old junk with other people's old junk... and make them part of your "new home"... a place for "new memories".

... but if you see my belt buckle, shoot me an email. I still miss it!

Why Should You Refer Divorcing Clients and Friends to Collaborative Lawyers in Barrie, Ontario?

Brian Galbraith — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 15:14:10 -0500

Why should you refer your divorcing clients, patients and friends to a Collaborative lawyer?

Here is why….

Doctors, Dentists, Health Care Practitioners: You know that a divorce battle is one of the most stressful events in a patient's life, especially for their children. You give your patients the gift of a less stressful way to divorce, promoting good health, if you refer them to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Marriage counselors, therapists: You know the destructive impact of divorce battle on families, especially children. You are giving your clients the gift of a healthier way of untangling their relationships with better prospects for a healthier relationship post-separation when you refer your clients to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Non-Family Law Lawyers: You know that a good referral to a client will solidify their trust in you. You can't give a better referral than to a Collaborative lawyer who uses a process that costs less, results in better settlements, is less destructive and is faster than the court system. You will be a hero.

Accountants, bookkeepers, financial planners, bankers: You know that a divorce battle can result in the destruction of the wealth you helped your clients accumulate and tear apart relationships between business partners. You give your clients the gift of a faster, more cost-effective way of resolving divorce issues thus preserving your client's wealth when you refer them to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Real estate agents, mortgage brokers: You know how difficult it is to facilitate a sale or purchase of a home when your clients are in a court battle. You give your clients the gift of a smoother resolution of divorce issues, including those related to the sale of their home, by referring your clients to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Priests, Rabbis, Ministers: You know that divorce is a reality for many in your congregations and can bring out the worst in them, leading them away from their faith. You give the members of your congregation the gift of a way of resolving divorce related issues that is more peaceful, respectful and dignified when you refer them to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Hairdressers, bartenders, personal trainers: You know all the stories of destruction and unimaginable costs to individuals, families and children by divorce battles. You give your clients the gift of a less destructive way of separating when you refer them to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Friends, family, acquaintances: You know the pain and costs of a divorce battle. You are giving a gift of a better way to resolve separation issues when you refer someone to a Collaborative lawyer. You will be a hero.

Heros... remember to make sure the lawyer you refer your clients, family and friends to actually has training in Collaborative Practice. Not all family law lawyers have the special training. They might say they are “collaborative” meaning they try to settle their cases before trial. Special skills, an intense commitment to settlement and an in depth knowledge of the process are necessary to be a true Collaborative Lawyer and that comes with training. Our association lists those with training in Simcoe County. The international association, the IACP, also lists criteria for practicing members.

Refer someone to a Collaborative lawyer.

Be a hero.

Barrie Collaborative Lawyers Help Overcome Anger.

Brian Galbraith — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 17:43:41 -0500

Anger. Have you ever felt so angry at your spouse you could just scream? I remember being so angry I just wanted to kick the furniture or throw something at the wall. I was furious.

I bet everyone who has gone through a divorce has been overwhelmed by anger at one time or another. It's normal. Our heart pumps fast, our face turns red, and we just want to lash out.

If our email is open, we might just send an angry, spiteful email. I did it a few times, regretfully. It didn't help.

In a recent blog at Collaborative Practice Canada , R. G. Harvie makes reference to a recent presentation that explains the impact of anger on our choices. He says:

At our recent IACP Conference, Dr. Jennifer Lerner has explained that anger has some interesting effects upon our decision making ability. According to Dr. Lerner:

"Anger has been shown to bias perceptions of risk, which can fundamentally shape leaders’ most critical decisions. In one early experiment, we found that individuals who felt angry tended to engage in riskier behaviors than did individuals in a neutral emotional state."

In other words, when we are angry, we tend to minimize the risks of our behavior than when we are not angry.

A therapist once told me that underlying anger is "sadness" or "fear". If you are going through a divorce you probably feel sad or fear most of the time. It's no wonder you might express it through an angry outburst.

You might feel sad that your dreams of a Hollywood "happily-ever-after" marriage won't be a reality. Maybe you are fearful, not knowing how your divorce will affect your wallet or your relationship with your children. It's normal.

Have your children ever had a tantrum? I remember mine would become so outraged that they would throw their toys, growl like a dog and say the most unreasonable things. Well, as adults, we don't do much better when we are overwhelmed by our anger.

I had a client who had just been ordered to pay spousal support become so upset he said "Take me away, I will not pay! " He would rather have gone to jail than to give some money to his former wife. Boy, was he was angry.

Some traditional lawyers will ignore emotions. They tell their client to simply get over their anger or "park it". Others will take advantage of it. I heard a story of a California divorce lawyer who used to say to his scorned clients, "Don't worry. I will nail his lying lips to the wall!" Of course, his bill for trying to do so was many thousands of dollars and for what benefit?

Collaborative lawyers neither ignore nor take advantage of their client's anger. We understand that strong emotions are normal and need to be understood.

The challenge is trying to drill down within ourselves to understand the core cause of our anger. That's almost impossible without professional help yet remarkably many folks refuse help.

Our car breaks down, we call the mechanic. Our light bulb won't turn on, we call an electrician. Yet, if our marriage ends resulting in an emotional melt down, many don't seek help.

Why? Maybe they fear being labeled mentally unstable. The truth is that everyone who goes through a divorce goes through the same emotional stages. You aren't crazy and you could benefit from some help of a professional.

Divorce Coaches can help. They are specially trained therapists and counselors who understand the emotional stages of divorce and can help you understand the source of your anger. I encourage all my clients to work with a Divorce Coach so they can work through their anger outside of the negotiation process.

I want my clients to be at their best when they are negotiating. I want them to be able to find creative solutions that work for their whole family. I want them to work through their anger. I want them to work with a Divorce Coach.

I certainly don't want them throwing their toys and having a tantrum. They might damage my computer. So I get them a Divorce Coach.

Barrie Divorce Courts and Fathers

Brian Galbraith — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 12:14:30 -0500

Question: Will a father in Divorce Court in Barrie, Ontario get a fair hearing?

Answer: Not always but I agree with the general sentiments of Michael Niren in his blog entitled "A Father's Right's in Divorce" when he says the following:

The idea that courts will generally side with the mother comes from the court attempting to rule for what is best for the child while remaining practical. Generally, the mother may be the primary caregiver, has remained home with the child since birth, or the father has been the one to leave the marital home in the event of a marriage breakdown. These factors influence the court’s custody decision, but they are not always a standard representation of each family situation, and circumstances can often be the direct opposite or both parents can be equally loving, responsible and fit to be a welcomed part of their children’s lives.

Michael is responding in his blog to an article in the National Post which characterizes the Courts as having fallen prey to the rants of radical feminists. The newspaper article suggests these radicals can be found primarily in the Women's Studies programs at Canadian universities and is happy to see the demise of these programs. In essence, they argue that the the Courts favour women because the judges have been corrupted by radical feminists.

It is a polemic intended to catch people's attention but does not reflect reality.

A few weeks ago, I did a blog called "Why Dad's Suffer in Court" in which I argue that it is not judges who should be blamed for any injustices that may occur to fathers (and they do occur from time to time) but rather it is the judicial system itself that is the cause. I stand by that blog.

I believe that clients are best served when they use the Collaborative Team Process to resolve the outstanding issues related to their divorce.

Collaborative Team Process is a radical new way of resolving divorce-related issues. All parties and professionals commit to resolving the issues without going to Court. Should one of the parties choose Court, everyone must start all over with new professionals.

The clients have the additional cost of starting over so have an incentive to negotiate in good faith. The lawyers lose their clients if the matter proceeds to Court so they put 100% of their energy into settling the case.

In Ontario, as in most of North America, we are moving toward a team model. The Divorce Coach helps both of you prepare for meetings by moving you through the emotional stages of divorce and case manages the process. The Parenting Coach will help you develop a parenting plan. The Financial Specialist will help you work through the division of property and support issues. The lawyers help resolve any issues that arise, offer the range of legal outcome, help analyze the settlement options and ensure the final agreement is legally binding. The whole process works very efficiently and empowers you to make your own decisions.

The research shows that about 85% of cases result in settlement. What is remarkable is that even if clients are not able to resolve their issues through the Collaborative Process, they will still recommend it to their family and friends! Wow! Isn't that amazing?

In over 20 years of practicing family law, none of my clients have been pleased with the Court process, win or lose. The Court process is slow, costly, inefficient and you are giving the power to resolve issues to a stranger: the Judge. They do their best to dispense "Justice" but, as one of my clients said "This ain't a 'justice system'... it is 'just a system'"

The judges do their best to dispense justice but it isn't easy. You know what is best for yourself and your family. With the help of professionals walking with you through the process, you can resolve the issues yourself. Not only will the results be better, it will be less costly and take less time to resolve.

I love Collaborative Team Process... can you tell?

Divorce Fair in Barrie?

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 13:38:28 -0500

We need a Divorce Fair in Barrie, Ontario!

Recently, Halifax hosted it's first divorce fair. It was an opportunity to learn everything you need to know about getting a divorce, and how to prepare for life after divorce. Wow! What a great idea.

The fair was two days: one day for men and one day for women. You wouldn't want to bump into your spouse, especially if your spouse doesn't know you are thinking about divorce, hence the division of days by gender. Makes good sense to me.

Michael Niren in his most recent blog at www.divorcesupport.ca suggests that with the divorce rate over 40% this sort of fair may become common place in Canada. I hope so.

A similar fair was held in the UK in the spring of 2009 for the first time, and it was well received according to article in The Telegraph. A second one is scheduled for March, 2010. I like the name they are using in the U.K. It's called the Starting Over Show which of course makes the acronym SOS. Very appropriate.

There are exhibitors and speakers at these shows. For example, lawyers, mediators, financial planners, yoga teachers, dentists (to improve your smile), cosmetic surgeons, psychologists, real estate agents, counselors, dating agencies, life coaches and anybody else who might be of interest to people going through a divorce have booths or do presentations. It's a place to get more information, new contacts and get inspired as you begin your new life.

Oliver Moore in his article in The Globe and Mail about the Halifax fair quotes the main speaker at the Halifax fair, Justice Harvey Brownstone as follows:

Mr. Justice Harvey Brownstone, author of Tug of War: A Judge's Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles, and the Bitter Realities of Family Court, is speaking on both days. He noted in an interview that he's seen first-hand the “emotional carnage” that can result from divorce.

“It bothers me as a judge that by the time we see parents they're in front of me geared up for a fight,” he said. “I have long thought that I'd like to be able to reach them in advance. These people need counselling, they need financial advice, they need help coming up with parenting plans.”

The divorce fair provided the kind of information Justice Brownstone suggests, so people can make an educated decision about their choices. Too often people considering divorce end up meeting with traditional divorce lawyers who simply urge them to go to court.

I believe divorce is not just a legal problem. It has emotional, financial, parenting and many other aspects to it. An interdisciplinary approach to divorce best meets your needs. A divorce fair sounds like it would give the public the perspectives of many different disciplines and professionals which is a good thing.

We suggest clients use Collaborative Team Practice to resolve their divorce-related issues. It is an interdisciplinary approach to divorce. Financial specialist help with the financial issues; Divorce coaches help with the emotional aspects; and, parenting coaches help with the parenting issues. Lawyers deal with the legal aspects, offer their help resolving difficult issues and ensure the resulting agreement is legally binding. It works well. Both parties and professionals agree that they won't go to court and will put all their energies into reaching a mutually agreeable settlement.

"Divorce Fair"... I even like the name! Fairs always have roller coasters and everyone who has been through a divorce knows it can be like a roller coaster ride some of the time!

So, who wants to help me organize a Divorce Fair for Barrie?

$150,000 Per Month Paternity Suit

Brian Galbraith — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 14:35:09 -0500

Can you imagine receiving a $150,000 per month, tax free? Karen Sala certainly could and sued Keanu Reeves hoping he would be ordered to pay that tidy sum to her. She was not successful.

A recent article in The Star declares that the paternity case against Keanu Reeves by Sala was dismissed by the Ontario Courts. According to The Star, Justice Graham declared that the allegations against Reeves were "so incredible" that no reasonable judge would accept them. The judge said having a trial would be a waste of limited judicial time.

Karen Sala was seeking $3 million a month in spousal support and $150,000 a month in retroactive child support. She alleged that Reeves was the father of her four adult children.

It is remarkable that she pushed the case this far. DNA tests had been done which indicated that Reeves was not likely the father of the children. DNA tests cannot say with full certainty if somneone is the father but they are accurate 99.9999% of the time. Usually, that's good enough for the judges to dismiss the case as happened in this case.

As Ms A.J. Jakubowska notes in her blog, child support payments in Ontario are not tax deductible for the payor and the recipient does not have to claim them as income. Sala would have been able to pocket $1.8 million dollars per year, tax free, had she won her case.

How is the amount of child support determined?

Child support payments are set in accord with the Federal Child Support Guidelines. For Ms Sala to have received $150,000 per month, she would have had to prove that Reeves' income was about $8.5 million annually. I guess that's possible...

As Ms Jakubowska, a Newmarket family lawyer, notes in her blog, spousal support is tax deductible to the payor and must be claimed as income to the recipient. So, if Sala had been successful, Reeves would have been able to deduct the spousal support from his income but not the child support.

Certainly there is an incentive to sue for child support when the stakes can be this high but DNA tests constitute a mountain too high to overcome. You can't just allege someone is the father of your children these days expect to get away with it. If you are lying, science will prove you wrong. How DNA tests work is a sample of hair from the father, mother and child are analyzed in a lab. The DNA of the child is compared to the DNA of the "alleged" parents to determine if paternity is possible. Courts like the certainty of DNA tests. They normally end the case one way or another.

Ms Sala was tenacious. She persisted in court. She lost. Case closed. Next? .....

New Year's Resolutions and Divorce

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 10:55:41 -0500

Did you make a resolution this year to stop smoking, lose weight, reduce your debt? Or maybe you resolved that this is the year to get a divorce.

The origins of New Year's resolutions, according to Gordon North in his ezine article goes back to ancient Babylon and Roman times about 2000 BC. For just as long a time, people have been breaking their New Year's resolutions.

Anja Pujic in her blog at Suite 101 has good advice about how best to keep your resolutions. She offers the following:

When setting your New Year's goals, use these guidelines to start you off on the right track:

1. Don’t be afraid of failure. The trick is not to put so much pressure on yourself that you start doubting your ability to achieve your goal. Tell yourself that this is something you would like to achieve one day. Doing so will make it seem less like a chore and more like a hobby.
2. Don’t put a time limit on your resolution. If it takes one year, that’s great; if it takes longer, then it’s no big deal. By giving yourself a little bit of breathing room, you reduce pressure and stress and make your resolution easier to achieve and more enjoyable.
3. Don’t make your resolution too ambitious. Set and stick to realistic goals because you are more likely to achieve them and less likely to be disappointed in yourself.
4. Practice discipline in every aspect of your life. This will make it easier to discipline yourself to follow through with your resolution. When you feel tempted to procrastinate, remember that the sooner you start working on your resolution, the faster and easier it will be to attain.
5. Take baby steps. You cannot reach your New Year’s resolution overnight so don’t expect to. If you do, you are more likely to become disappointed in yourself, lose motivation and, in the end, fail.
6. Tell someone about your resolution so that it feels real. Even better, find someone with the same resolution and support each other along the way. Talking to someone who is going through the same thing as you are can be a great source of relief, encouragement and support during moments of weakness. It can also help build and develop great lifelong relationships between people.

We normally see a surge in clients in the New Year, seeking a divorce for the same reasons people make resolutions at New Year. The New Year brings with it a new resolve to make things better in our lives. Clients struggle through the holiday period, doing their best to "hold it together". Nobody wants to be accused of being Scrooge by seeking a divorce at Christmas. So, in January, clients come to our office in droves, wanting to improve their lives through divorce.

Constance Ahrons in her book The Good Divorce says that her research indicates that most divorced people don't regret getting a divorce but wish they had started the process sooner and not "held out".

If you have decided this is the year for you to get a divorce, apply Anja's principles to the process:

Don't be afraid of failure. You are not alone. About 50% of marriages end in divorce and they manage to get through it. So will you.
Don’t put a time limit on your resolution. Divorce takes time and is a painful process at best. Just take one day at a time. Remember the process goes as fast as the slowest person. If you are the one initiating the divorce, your spouse is probably not there yet emotionally and will need some time to catch up. Be patient.
Don’t make your resolution too ambitious. Divorce is a monumental change in your life. Set reasonable, smaller, achievable goals to keep yourself moving forward to your new life.
Practice discipline in every aspect of your life. Find healthy ways of coping with your divorce. Use discipline to avoid falling into unhealthy coping techniques such as over drinking or drug use. Get exercise, eat properly and get adequate sleep. Find a Divorce Coach who will help you stay the course.
Take baby steps. Make a list of the things that have to be done, and then break down each item into the smaller steps. Take one step at a time and then celebrate your daily successes. Start with finding the right lawyer (a Collaboratively trained divorce lawyer) who will help you work through the issues. Also find a good Divorce Coach to help you through the emotional journey. That's a good start.
Tell someone about your resolution so that it feels real. Most people start by telling their family (brothers, sisters, parents) about their decision to get a divorce. Seek out positive, supportive people in your life who will comfort you when you need it.

I don't advocate that you get a divorce if you have a fulfilling, loving marriage. You are one of the lucky few. But, if you feel that a divorce is inevitable, now is as good a time as any. Take a deep breath, find your resolve and move forward toward your new and better life. It's a New Year!

Divorce Depression and Grief

Brian Galbraith — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 10:25:08 -0500

I just read an amazing blog by "The Jolly Mama". It is an amazingly honest description of the emotional struggles of separation and divorce from someone going through it.

The title of her blog entry is "Kubler-Ross and My Life Lately" and here is a quote from it.

What does any of this have to do with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross? She is the psychologist who identified the seven stages of grief, and that is what I have been experiencing for the past year. I don't know if all of my emotions have necessarily been identical to the ones she classified. I've been so angry that I'm divorced. That I have to share my children, and I go days without them next to me. That I tried and tried and tried to be a cool wife and was always shut out. That what was lovely about me, my desire to be a helpmate, was rejected or looked upon with suspicion. So, this is not the life I wanted... but it is the life I have.

If you are struggling with depression or grieving the end of your marriage, take heart, you are not alone. Everyone who goes through a divorce experiences the same grief process. At Christmas and other special occasions, the pain of divorce can be worse.

I am a divorce lawyer yet when I went through my own divorce, it was devastating. I thought I would do okay being a divorce professional, yet I too went through the whole grieving process, just like everyone else. It was painful.

Pamela S. Wynn, a lawyer in Florida, writes a great blog with useful advice on how to get through the depressive feelings divorcing people experience especially during the holiday season. She suggests (I'm summarizing) the following:

Be your own best friend.
Focus on lifting the spirits of others.
Integrate - don't isolate.
Initiate new holiday traditions.

I would add to Pamela's list.... "Find and work with a Divorce Coach".

They have special training on how to help you work through the emotional stages of divorce. In our area, we recommend Sue Cook or Deborah Alton. They are both excellent divorce coaches.

Using a divorce coach does not mean you are suffering from a mental illness or that you are weak in some way. They will not engage you in therapy. They simply help you understand and move through the emotional stages of divorce more quickly. Time heals everything but who wants to wait around! Go see a divorce coach. I did.

Divorce Gift Certificates??

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:25:47 -0500

Daniel Clement pointed out in his blog that a UK law firm is actually selling gift certificates for a consultation with a divorce lawyer. What do you think of that? ... the gift of divorce!!

Here are the top ten uses I have come up with so far, just for laughs, with suggestions on what to write on the gift card in quotes. Do you have any additions?

10. Give it to your spouse who is unwilling to deal with the reality of your separation and is stalling the process. "Let's get this done, honey!"

9. Give it to your lover who has said he or she will get a divorce but just hasn't done it. "Hey, if you love me, you would get this done!"

8. Give it to your sister so you don't need to deal with that nasty brother-in-law at Christmas!! "You can do better!"

7. Give it to the guy who just took your parking lot at the mall, for his wife. "You can park yourself somewhere better!"

6. Give it to your friend who is about to get married to a jerk. "Just in case..."

5. If you are single, give it anonymously to someone married who you would like to date. "Hint. Hint. There are more fish in the ocean... including me!"

4. Give it to your favourite bartender or hairdresser. "In case you need some advice too!"

3. Give it yourself. If you are facing a divorce, maybe it's time to get some advice. "O.K. I had better take a deep breath and get this done!"

2. Give it to Tiger Woods' wife. "Thirteen lovers is too many! "

1. Give it to Tiger Woods. "Sorry... but you might as well get back to golfing!"

Actually, all kidding aside, I like the idea of being able to give the gift of good advice to someone in need. If you are going through a divorce, wouldn't it be nice to receive this helping hand from a friend or family member?

What do you think? Should we start offering them for sale?

Another idea... I think we should start stamping the back of our business cards and offer the fifth divorce FREE!! ...okay... that's too tacky!! But it is funny!!

Tiger Woods: Why Did You Do It?

Brian Galbraith — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 07:07:22 -0500

Tiger Woods has become the focus of much ridicule recently as a result of his admission to having had extra-marital relations. One publication suggests Tiger had 14 mistresses over the course of his short marriage. Wow! That's a lot!

Some have focused on Tiger being caught as a result of his use of text messages. This is a fascinating new development unheard of ten years ago. May I suggest the thoughtful blogs written by Dick Price, Ashley Russell and Daniel Clement for this angle.

But my friends all ask the same question: "Why would anyone in Tiger's position do this?" Tiger seems to have it all - money, fame, a career playing a game he loves, a beautiful wife, two healthy children - yet he appears to have thrown it all away with these acts of indiscretion.

Why Tiger?

The answer ... perhaps it was childhood wounds but I don't know Tiger personally so I can't speculate... sorry....

If your marriage has been rocked by an affair you are not alone. USA Today reports that 15% of wives and 25% of husbands have experienced extramarital intercourse. Can you believe those stats?

I recommend you read "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. In fact, both Tiger and his wife Elin would be wise to read this excellent book. It could help them answer "why?" It could help you too.

The author suggests that it is possible to rebuild trust in a marriage when a partner has been unfaithful and she even suggests how to do it. Even if reconciliation is not likely in your situation, this book is still worth reading whether you were the unfaithful partner or the hurt partner. If you know "why", you might avoid making the same mistake twice.

Dr. Springs suggests it all stems from child-hood wounds. She says:

... if you missed out on the development of the following critical growth experiences, you may never have developed into a healthy, secure, competent adult:

1. Being safe and secure.

2. Functioning independently in the world.

3. Having solid emotional connections with others.

4. Being valued.

5. Being free to express yourself.

6. Being free to let go and have fun.

7. Living with realistic limitations.

So, essentially, Dr. Springs suggests that your childhood emotional wounds can haunt you in adult-life leading to extra-marital affairs as an attempt to heal your wounds or in reaction to those wounds.

I am over-simplifying Dr. Spring's ideas. You need to read her book to understand her theory and apply it to your own life.

Neither Dr. Spring nor I are attempting to justify having an affair - I feel it is wrong and tremendously hurtful to have an affair - but rather I am suggesting that Dr. Spring's book can help you discover the childhood wounds that may have lead to the adult indiscretions. She then offers ways of rebuilding the trust in your damaged marriage, and offers life-lessons for the rest of you whose marriage won't be able to recover from the deceit of an affair.

I commend Tiger for taking time away from his career to look deeply at his marriage and life. I hope he reads Dr. Spring's book during his time away from the golf course. Likewise, if your life has been rocked by infidelity, whether you were the unfaithful partner or the hurt partner, I strongly suggest you read Dr. Springs book... and take some time away from the golf course, if you must!

It appears that Tiger is heading for divorce according to US News.

Tearful Good-byes

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 07:26:21 -0500

I shed a tear and held back a million of them. Have you ever had a moment like that?

Maybe it was when you dropped off your son or daughter to daycare for the first time... or said good-bye on the first day of school, trying your best to show a brave face... or the first weekend with your ex spouse....or maybe when you resisted giving them a kiss as they went off to the prom with a date...or when you said "good luck" as they boarded the airplane for an exchange or to head to university... or was it when they had their first sleep over at a friend's home... or went away to camp for the first time. I bet you've had more than a few of those moments.

It's a time of mixed emotions. Fear - that your little one will need you and you won't be there to help. Disappointment - knowing that they probably won't need you. Sadness - of the pending silence now that they won't be around. Pride - that you have done a good job and they are ready to be on their own.

I had one of those moments this past weekend when I dropped off my son and his girlfriend of five years at their new home thousands of miles away. My wife and I dropped them off at their new home near a ski resort in the Canadian Rockies where they will work and ski for the winter. He is 18 and she is 19 years old.

As you can see from these photos of him, he is no longer a baby.

On top of the normal feelings of a parent saying good-bye to their son, I had another layer of feelings because I am a divorced dad. I felt guilt that his mother wasn't there to say good-bye because we are now divorced. Guilt that he was the child of divorce. Guilt that I wasn't always with him when he was growing up because he was with his mother. I also felt pride that I spent every moment possible with him and his brothers since separation, making them my focus when they were in my care. I also felt good that I had provided him with an excellent role model as to a healthy, loving relationship with my new marriage. I felt happy that I had positively contributed to him becoming who he is today.

Frankly, I could not speak to my wife after we said good-bye to my son. The emotions were too overwhelming.

Eventually, I said to myself "I have a choice. I can focus on the negative emotions or the positive ones." I chose the positive ones. I chose to think about what a great guy my son had become.

Justin is...

1. Caring and sensitive. Justin feels everything deeply. He is the peace-maker in the family always striving to find a just solution and to bring his family and friends together. He has maintained a loving relationship with his girlfriend for over five years in spite of him being only 18 years old because he is so caring, understanding and sensitive. He has many great male friends too because he is a great friend to them.

Justin is...

2. Resourceful. Let me share a story. On a week-long canoe camping trip , I forgot the cutlery. Justin was not discouraged. He simply got out his knife and whittled a spork (spoon fork) from wood for himself. He made the most out of with what he had around him. This is typical of Justin.

Justin is...

3. Courageous. Whether mountain biking or snowboarding, Justin is always ready to push himself to great heights without being crazy or reckless. He was never afraid of challenges. He has played the violin since he was 5 years of age and never hesitated to perform for an audience. In fact, he played the violin at my wedding ceremony and at the open house of my new office. There is no fear in that boy.

Justin is... well.... he is all grown up now and I am so proud of him.

After focusing on the positives, I realized that Justin had turned out to be a great young man in spite of, or maybe, partly perhaps because of my divorce. Hmmmm.

If you are going through a divorce, remember to focus on the positive. Don't let the little voice of negativity get you down. Choose to be positive.

I only shed a couple of tears when I said good-bye and I held back a million. Then I realized that this was a new beginning for my son and, frankly, a new beginning for me. It was a good thing. He will be fine... and so will I.

Your First Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzza Since Divorce? Ugh.

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 07:31:26 -0500

Are you dreading Christmas? Will it be your first special holiday since your separation? Are you depressed about not having your children for New Year's Eve, or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or some other special day. Whatever the holiday, you are not alone.

I remember the first Christmas that my three boys were with their mother Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I cried and felt depressed most of the day. The time seemed to creep by so slowly. I felt all alone and like a failure.

I should have taken my 6 year old son's advice.

A few days before Christmas, he knew he would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with his Mom because that's what we agreed. So, he asked me to write a letter to Santa and ask him to come to my house on December 26th instead of the 25th. My son said that Santa comes to Steve's house (Steve is my friend who is divorced with kids too) on the 26th so he was sure he wouldn't mind coming to our house then too!

Of course, Santa did come on December 26th, even without a letter, but I think the message my son unwittingly was giving me was that it does not matter when we celebrate Christmas...lets just make whatever day we have together full of love, gratitude, Santa and fun. He knew Santa (and joy) would arrive whenever we wanted them to arrive. We just had to schedule it.

To help make your holidays special, here are ten things you can do:

Ensure your schedule is specific. You and your ex spouse should confirm well in advance when each of you will have the children. If you don't have specific times already agreed, negotiate the days and times as soon as possible. There are too many other sources of stress in December so try to nail down your times with your children now.
Don't fight over which days you have your children. Whenever you have them, make it special. If you really need particular days, offer to trade days with your ex spouse or give your ex spouse those special days next year. Treat your ex they way you would like to be treated, even if it isn't reciprocated.
Do something special for yourself. I make myself some of my favorite food, pour myself some wine, watch some basketball in front of the fireplace and wrap presents all day on December 25th. Actually, I look forward to my day spent all by myself. I am totally relaxed and ready when the boys come over on December 26th.
Support your children having a good time with their other parent. If you need to speak to someone about your sad feelings, talk to a friend or therapist - not your kids. The children don't need to hear it. They need to hear that it is okay to have fun with their other parent too.
Create new traditions. This is a new beginning for you and your children so don't try to replicate the past. Find new ways to celebrate the event. You can preserve some of the past traditions but find new ways of celebrating too. My parents always put a maraschino cherry on the top of our grapefruits Christmas morning so I continue to do the same now. Change things up too... I started singing Christmas carols after our Christmas dinner.
Get outside. Go for a walk or ski or snowshoe. There is nothing more rejuvenating than being outside with nature and your family. When your kids are with you, take them outside too. A good snowball fight can really build up an appetite.
Give of your heart. If you have just recently separated, money is likely short so don't try to spend like you did in the past. Do something special for the people you love. Maybe you can write a special little poem for each of them or list twenty ways you appreciate them. Gifts often don't have lasting meaning. Can you even list five gifts you received last year or the year before? It is the feelings of love and appreciation that last forever.
Stay sober. If you over-drink, you run the risk of crumbling into a pile of self-pity and depression. Nobody wants to see that and certainly your kids don't need to see it. Have fun but be careful so you can keep it together emotionally, especially during your first Christmas since your separation.
Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. If your family or friends are negative, remind them the season is all about gratitude, love and appreciation. Park you own negativity and search for the positive in everything and everyone, even your ex spouse.
Relax. Know that in time the holidays will become easier to get through and more fun. Just take a deep breath and get through your first set of holidays. Next year, it will be better. Trust me.

There are several wonderful blogs about surviving the holiday season after divorce. I recommend Richard Sharp's blog, Anne Shales blog, Nancy Van Tine's blog and Rosalind Sedacca's blog. All have excellent advice for parents who are going through a divorce at this time of the year.

Now, my youngest son is 12 years old and he says the best thing about Mom and Dad having separated is that he enjoys "two Christmases, two Easters and two Thanksgivings!" He says "if you like that kind of food, it's great!" Let me assure you... he certainly does like "that kind of food!"

So make it a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa or whatever special holiday you are celebrating this year. Joy will come whenever you schedule its arrival. It is up to you.

Why I Practice Family Law

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 08:04:17 -0500

Have you ever had someone need your help and you were able to help them? Maybe it was something big like saving someone’s life… or maybe it was something small like helping someone lift their heavy bag into the overhead bin. Maybe a friend didn’t know how to get their little one to sleep at night. Or you gave your son or daughter a hug when they needed it most.

Wasn’t that an amazing feeling? I bet you felt really great. That’s how I feel when I am helping clients through their divorce. It’s amazing.

But, I didn’t start my legal career intending to be a divorce lawyer. In fact, when I went to law school (1986 to 1989) I didn’t even study “family law”. I wanted to be an international corporate commercial lawyer wearing a pin-striped three-piece-suit and putting together the big international deals. My plans were scuttled when I entered the real world. I found corporate law unrewarding. I am not dissing corporate lawyers but for me it was painfully boring. It seemed the only lawyers having fun were the big wigs at the top and I didn’t want to work 30 years before I enjoyed my job. So I searched for something more exciting. Going to court seemed like more fun but when I met my first divorce client, I knew I had found my passion.

You might think it was the court room drama, or the passionate pleas for custody of a child, or untangling the financial webs of a family business that attracted me, but no, it was the crying.

I have clients cry in my office almost every day. And no… they aren’t crying because my fees are too high… they are crying because going through a divorce means their whole world has been turned upside down. They need help.

If you are divorcing, maybe you know what I mean. Maybe you feel the “Hollywood dream” of living happily ever-after has been destroyed and you feel like are a failure. When you hear the phrase “from a broken family” doesn’t it just make your stomach flip?… now your kids are from..one of those. The fear is overwhelming. How will you pay the bills? What will your relationship with your kids be like? How will the rest of the world judge you?

It’s at this point – when clients are feeling their worst - that they step into my office for the first time. “Wow!” I thought to myself in my early days as a divorce lawyer, “What an opportunity. I can be my client’s white knight rescuing them from the despair of divorce!” I felt I could give them the answers they wanted and steer them toward resolution of the legal issues, and into their new life. It felt great. I was in control and helping.

Today, I still feel great helping my clients through their difficult days but now I do it in a different way. I am not a white knight. I don’t presume to know what is best for my clients. Instead, I help them discover their core concerns so they can make priorities and find creative solutions that work best for their whole family. I give them a wonderful gift by referring them to other professionals who can help them such as a divorce coach (to work through the emotional issues), a financial specialist (to resolve the property and support issues) and a parenting coach (to develop the best possible parenting plan). I give them the support they need so they can get through their divorce with the least amount of pain (financially and emotionally). I help them analyze their choices, explain the range of legal results, help them resolve difficult issues and I ensure they have a legally binding agreement when it’s all done.

One of my brothers is a pediatrician. He says he does it because he loves helping children heal. Wouldn’t that feel good… to help a sick child feel better?

I practice family law because I love being able to help people get better too. My clients may start off crying but in the end they will have closed the door on their past, survived the transition (what I call the "hallway of hell") and they will be ready to open a new door to their future. Wow. I am a lucky guy to be part of that kind of healing… and it sure beats “corporate boardroom boredom”. (By the way, try saying that ten times really fast. “corporate boardroom boredom, corporate boardroom boredom, corporate boardroom boredom….whew).

Gay Marriage and Gay Divorce

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:08:04 -0500

Gays in many of the states in the U.S. cannot get married unlike gay couples in Canada. In Canada, gays have all the same rights as heterosexual couples when it comes to marriage and divorce. The law in Canada was changed in 2005.

The law varies from state to state. Marriage licenses are issued in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire (begins January, 2010) but not in any other states. California is in a bit of a mess. They passed a law allowing same sex marriage but Proposition 8 squashed that development. The National Conference of State Legislatures has the details of the law on a state by state basis.

In Canada, our constitution defines divorce as being a federal power so the law is the same throughout Canada.

So, what does this mean for gay couples wishing to marry in a state that does not allow it?

Gideon Alper notes in his blog called Gay Couples Law Blog that some gay couples come to Canada to get married if it is illegal to do so in their home state. That makes sense.

As Nancy Van Tine notes in her blog, Maine recently rejected same sex marriage, but since Canada is just a quick flight away from Maine (or long drive), it is easy for a gay couple in Maine to slip up to Canada to get married and all is well. Right?

The problem is that not all gay marriages are "happily ever after" either. Divorce happens...

If you can't get married in a state, then you can't get divorced there either. So, if you are a gay couple who now wants a divorce in Maine, you can't get it. You might think a quick trip back to Canada would be all that's necessary. Not so fast! That won't work either!

You have to have been living in one province in Canada for at least one year to be able to ask for a divorce in that province. So, you are caught in what Barbara Findlay calls in her article in Lawyers' Weekly a "divorce catch-22". Married, wanting a divorce, and you can't get one.

The law is intended to dispense "justice" yet once again the frailties of the law are obvious. If you're a same sex couple living in Maine, you can get married in Canada but you are stuck married unless you move to another state or to Canada. Can you imagine?

Weird eh?

Is Your Divorce Driving You Crazy?

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 08:30:59 -0500

Are you going through a divorce? Do you sometimes feeling like you are losing your mind? Maybe you can't concentrate or you are constantly feeling like you are about to cry? Maybe you are drinking too much? Or working too hard? Or shopping too much? Maybe you have been willing to try anything to cope and now you worry you might have a problem... maybe even an addiction.

I remember when I went through my own divorce I felt all alone and my whole world had been turned upside down. I was scared and sad and I am a divorce lawyer! I remember meeting with clients and struggling to keep myself from exploding in tears. To say the least, it was a tremendously stressful time. I thought I was going crazy.

It is normal to resort to unhealthy coping techniques when going through a divorce. Almost everyone does it at least once so don't beat yourself up. When you drink too much or shop too much or do some other behavior, it distracts you from the pain of your divorce. Nobody can blame you for slipping off the wagon once in a while. When it becomes an addiction, you have a bigger problem though. Either way, you need help and you need to develop healthy coping techniques.

If you fear that you have a addiction problem, Robert L. Mues has put together a list of links to 26 different assessment tools in his recent blog. Check it out! He lists assessment tools for depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive shopping and 22 other issues. They are all available on the internet and are a good start to dealing with any issues you might have in your life. Get professional help if you feel you may have an addiction. You can't deal with it alone. Start with your family doctor. You can't conquer addictions alone. Alcoholics Anonymous is classic example. They use peer support (meetings) and the buddy system to support those who want to kick their addiction.

Maybe you don't have an addiction and you just are struggling through the normal emotions of your divorce. It's a difficult time for anyone. We recommend to all of our clients they work with a Divorce Coach. It is normal to grieve the end of your marriage and a Divorce Coach will help you work through the normal emotions inherent to your divorce faster, so you can get on with your life.

Lawyers are not trained to help you work through the emotional journey. We want you to get the support you need so you can get through the emotional journey more quickly and efficiently.

Your Divorce Coach will help you find healthy coping techniques that will work for you. Maybe it's getting exercise, eating good food, searching out support from friends and family, reading inspiring books, journaling or some other technique. Your Divorce Coach will give you ideas, homework and help you move though the emotional stages of divorce so you can get on with your life faster.

A Divorce Coach is not just if you are suffering from mental illness. That's a therapist. A Divorce
Coach is for anyone going through a divorce who is human and experiences emotions. Hmmmm Does that fit you?

From a lawyer's point of view, I want all my clients to work with a Divorce Coach so that the emotions inherent to your divorce won't sidetrack the negotiations. I want you to have the best chance of negotiating an excellent settlement.

Your Divorce Coach will teach you the stages of divorce, ways to close the door on the past, how to cope with the transition, ways of communicating effectively with your spouse and help you look forward to a new life.

The bottom line: I have never had a client say they regret the money or time they spent with their Divorce Coach. Everyone has thanked me for the recommendation. Now, just take a deep breath and do it.

Scheduling Events When Divorced

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:17:25 -0500

Have you been unaware of an upcoming school event (like the Christmas concert) or an extracurricular event because your spouse forgot to tell you? Isn't it frustrating? And disappointing? It's also embarrassing when you drop the ball and forget to pass on important information.

Scheduling events, holidays and other activities for children can be difficult for any family, but the challenge is even greater for divorced parents. Often parents who have separated or divorced have difficulty communicating with each other at the best of times. Living in separate homes can make it even worse. But you know that already if you're divorced. So what's the answer?

You need a system.

For many years, I have encouraged clients whose separation is fresh and raw to use a communication book. One of the parents purchases a blank book which is used to discuss any proposed changes to the access schedule, illnesses of the children, milestones, accomplishments, discipline problems and upcoming events in the children's lives. I encourage the parents to decorate the book with photos of the children on the outside of the book (to remind the parents to stay focused on their children's best interests) and to plan on giving the book to their children when they are adults (to encourage the parents to treat each other respectfully and politely in the book since their children will read it one day).

A high tech modern version of the communication book is Our Family Wizard. This is an on-line calendar and communication tool available through the Internet. It is amazing. You can communicate upcoming changes to the schedule, health concerns, financial issues and any other issues related to your children through your own private website set up for this purpose. Older children can even be given access to the site as can any other third parties agreed to by you and your spouse (mediator, parenting coach, lawyers, grand parents). The cost is $99.00 per parent per year. They even have "scholarships" to reduce or eliminate the costs for deserving families. Third party access is free. Check out Our Family Wizard.

A free option is Google Calendar. It does not have all the bells and whistles of "Our Family Wizard" because it isn't designed for separated families, but it is free. A calendar is set up over the Internet with access restricted to you and your spouse or third parties agreeable to the parents. It's private and available wherever you can access the Internet. You can post upcoming events on the calendar such as the next hockey tournament or dance recital so everyone knows about it in advance.

Ideally, its best if you can communicate openly with one another via meetings, telephone calls or emails but often this is impossible especially immediately after the separation. The emotions are too hot for direct communication. So, try some other system.

Of course, a system works only if you work the system. Even if your spouse doesn't keep you informed or is unreliable, just take the high road, and do it anyway. Some of us are planners and some of us aren't planners. Such is life. Do it anyway.

Whether you use the old fashioned communication book, Our Family Wizard, Google Calendar, emails, meetings or phone calls, find a way to communicate respectfully and in a timely manner. If you don't make an effort, your children will suffer. Your children deserve parents who will put aside their own personal feelings toward each other and find a way to communicate with each other, for the children's sake... and you don't want to miss another Christmas concert!

Deciding Whether to Vaccinate for H1N1

Brian Galbraith — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:45:24 -0500

We are experiencing a pandemic of H1N1 influenza worldwide. As a result, governments around the world are asking everyone to become vaccinated. Kysa Crusco of New Hampshire has recently done an excellent blog about this issue from an American perspective.

Parents everywhere are wondering "should I vaccinate my child?" My own opinion is that the benefits to yourself and society far outweigh the risks. I believe you should bare the long lines and get it done.

I recommend you read more about the issue. The Simcoe County Health Unit has an excellent website with information about clinics in the Barrie area and other information about the issue. I especially like the fact sheet. The Government of Canada also has a great website with information about H1N1 too.

I believe that all of us should become vaccinated, not only to protect ourselves from illness but to minimize the spread of the virus to other people, some of whom might die from it. I feel it is my obligation to the Canadian society to be immunized even though the likelihood of a serious bout of flu is minimal. In fact, I believe so strongly about this issue, I have given my staff up to five hours off work with pay so that they can get their H1N1 vaccination shot, should they choose to do so.

That's my opinion but vaccination is voluntary. You have to decide for yourself and your children whether to get vaccinated.

If you are separated or divorced, you should consult with your ex spouse before making this type of decision. That is, if your ex has any involvement in the children's lives and you can discuss issues without a battle.

I always remind my clients ACBD: "Always Consult Before Deciding".

If you share joint custody with your ex, you have an obligation to make all major decisions affecting your children together. This includes major medical decisions.

Whether to vaccinate your child is a "major decision" requiring you to discuss it and decide with your co-parent, if you share joint custody.

I suggest you call or email your ex and offer these links so your ex can become informed too. Avoid it becoming a power struggle. Stick to the facts and the best interests of your children.

Even if you don't share joint custody, it is a good idea to consult with your ex before proceeding so that your ex spouse feels involved. Your children benefit from having two involved parents and participation in decision-making helps make a parent feel involved.

If you believe that consulting with your ex will lead to a battle and you have sole custody, you can make the decision alone. It is important to minimize conflict, for your children's sake, so avoid the conversation.

Now... go wash your hands and try to stay healthy!

Ten Reasons a Pre-Nuptial Agreement May Be Unenforceable

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 12:05:39 -0500

Dick Price, in his recent blog, lists ten reasons why a pre-nuptial agreement might not be enforceable. He quotes Stephen Worrall from his blog. An "unenforceable" agreement means it's not worth the paper it's written on! The courts will not enforce the terms of the agreement. You should use the agreement to start a fire because it's otherwise useless.

Just tear it up!

Here is their list

* No written agreement
* Not properly executed
* You were pressured
* You didn't read it
* No time for consideration
* Invalid provisions
* False information
* Incomplete information
* No independent counsel
* Unconscionability

Although Dick and Stephen are writing about Texas and Georgia law, the same is true for Ontario.

The most important aspect of a marriage contract or pre-nuptial contract to ensure it is enforceable is that the negotiations are done properly. Courts like to respect contracts but only if both parties knew what they were doing when they signed the contract and did it voluntarily. A marriage contract or pre nuptial agreement or co-habitation agreement is really just a contract between two people so is treated the same way by the judges.

There should be full disclosure of all assets and income for both parties. In fact, I list the major assets and income in the agreement itself so there is no question that it was disclosed. If assets are not fully listed, it is possible that your spouse may say "If I knew my spouse was worth so much money, I would not have signed the agreement".

I also strongly recommend that both parties have independent legal advice. Otherwise, your spouse might try to wiggle out of the agreement on the basis of "I didn't understand all that legal mumbo jumbo."

Ontario courts are certainly willing to respect pre-nuptial agreements regarding property issues. A typical agreement might say "property in my name is mine, property in my spouse's name is my spouse's property". These types of agreements are usually respected if the agreement has been entered into voluntarily and there has been full disclosure.

The courts are less willing to respect an agreement that results in the waiver of spousal support. Judges have a difficult time seeing one spouse impoverished when the other is wealthy. If they can find a way to set aside an agreement that waived spousal support, they often will do it.

The best advice about pre-nuptial agreements is talk to a lawyer and do it properly.

International Academy of Collaborative Professionals

Brian Galbraith — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:58:36 -0500

I just returned from an amazing conference of the IACP held in Minneapolis. It was a fantastic learning opportunity and chance to meet some of the best collaborative practitioners from around the world. I believe there were about 550 people in attendance, 48 of whom were from outside of North America.

The outgoing president is Canadian Nancy Cameron. I was so proud that we had a Canadian at the helm of this great organization and she served us well. I met Stu Webb who is the founder of the whole process when he decided that the Court process was not helping separating and divorcing parties. What a great visionary. Stu was honoured at the Saturday banquet. A video biography of him was shown which I understand from past president of IACP Ron Ouskey, will be available for purchase through IACP. I can hardly wait to show it to our practice group in Simcoe County.

There were many, many presentations and workshops - too many for me to highlight them all - but here are a few comments about some I attended.

Canadian and IACP Board Member Victoria Smith and IACP President Sherri Goren Slovin did an outstanding workshop called "Advanced Collaborative Negotiations". They gave us insight into the theory of Collaborative Practice, the nature of "interests" and tools we can use as we practice the art of collaborative negotiations.

Cat Zavis of Bellingham, Washington taught a full day workshop on Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication. She taught us so much. I especially enjoyed learning how to express empathy by exploring with our clients how they are feeling and what unmet needs are causing such feelings.

Daniel Shapiro from Harvard Law School and director of the Harvard Negotiation Project outlined the main principles of the book written by him and Roger Fisher called Beyond Reason. I bought the book and am really enjoying it. They show how to use emotions in a disagreement to turn a disagreement into an opportunity for mutual growth.

The next conference will be in Washington, DC on October 28 to 31, 2010 at the Grand Hyatt Hotel.

I certainly intend to attend. Put it in your calendar too!

Interview with Nancy Newton of Rainbows

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:41:37 -0500

Nancy Newton is the Executive Director of Rainbows. It is described on their website as "an international not-for-profit organization that fosters emotional healing among children grieving a loss from a life-altering crisis. These losses, among others, include separation, divorce, death, incarceration and foster care."

I believe Rainbows really helps kids deal with the emotional journey of their parents going through a separation or divorce. It does not replace a therapist as it is a system of peer support for the children. It's kids talking to other kids about their feelings.

Rainbows has their national head office in Barrie, Ontario.

Here is my interview with Nancy.

Q: What does Rainbows do for children whose parents are divorcing? Rainbows provides a 12 - 14 week peer support program

Q: How does Rainbows work? I understand you offer “peer support” . What does that look like? We have weekly topics that are the same at every age level of the program, however the content is age appropriate. The levels are broken into age groups and since the groups are very small, only 3 - 5 per group, it gives the participant time to express their feelings. The program is made up of the child journal (which is theirs to keep), games and activities (to encourage the participant to talk about their feelings) and final 'Celebrate Me Day', a day at the end of the session where children learn how to ask for and give forgiveness.

Q: How often and where do they meet? Children meet once a week and the time frame they meet for is based on their age. The very young 3-5 year olds meet for about 30 minutes and the older youth for about 60 minutes. The sites are at schools, places of worship, Military Family Resource Centers, CAS and other social service agencies.

Q: Why is peer support important for children? Peer support is important for children to know, they are not the only ones going through this loss, and they learn from each others experiences and feel that this is a place where they actually are understood - they 'belong or fit in'.

Q: Is Rainbows a substitute for counseling with a child therapist? We always stress the fact that Rainbows is NOT counseling. We leave the counseling to the professionals. Our volunteers are trained to identify signals that indicate children need more than just Rainbows. We have had children attending Rainbows while they are going for individual counseling. It is important for the Rainbows site to make contact with the child therapist before registering a child for Rainbows to advise the therapist that the child will also be attending Rainbows.

Q: Can the parents find out what the children are saying in the group meetings? Yes and No. The child can tell anyone they choose what they have said during a Rainbows meeting, they just cannot tell what another member of the group has said to anyone. The Rainbows Facilitator also complies with this confidentiality agreement, except if there is a disclosure of a reportable nature. Then the Facilitator follows the guidelines set out by their site.

Q: What is the cost? Rainbows is always free of charge to the children and youth.
Thanks Nancy. Our firm helps raise funds for Rainbows each year at our Holiday Party and through other events. It is a really wonderful charity and does great work in our communities.