Ontario Family Law Blog

Four Steps to Take with Your Child After Divorce

Brian Galbraith — Thu, 17 May 2012 10:03:52 -0500

Helping your children adjust after your divorce is essential. Heather Smith offers excellent advice on what you should do to help you child after the dust settles.

Here is Heather's blog:

4 Steps to Take with Your Child After Divorce

You have sat your child down and given the dreaded speech that you never thought you would have to make. Mom and Dad are getting a divorce are some of the most difficult words a child will hear from their parents mouth. There are a few things that will help you and your child during this time; here are 4 things to consider doing:

Get them a counselor: Once you have shared the unfortunate news with your child it is important that no matter their age, you get them a counselor to speak with. Weekly sessions are best for them. It gives them one day a week to discuss and work out their thoughts and feelings. Children have a difficulty opening up to parents and need that third party when it comes to dealing with the divorce. It is a life change for them as well and you need to provide them with help.

Keep quiet: No matter what you do, keep your thoughts to yourself. Do not speak negatively about your former spouse in front of the child. Keep your arguments and frustrations away from the child. Do not share details of the divorce. It is so important to keep that out of the child’s life. Children already feel a sense of responsibility of the parents’ divorce and hearing things like this will only push them further into that belief. As hard as it can be to keep your feelings in, just do it.

Remain positive Make the transition easier on them by remaining positive. Most likely parental rights and visit have been established and now come the difficult part for child, spending time in two different homes. When you drop off and pick up, be sure you remain positive. Be interested in their time at the others house and respond with a smile. You want this to be easy and comfortable for the child.

Get them involved and active: If you child isn’t already part of a sports team or involved in a hobby, be sure that you start them in something. There are all sorts of emotions for your child during this time and having a sport or hobby is a great for them to express it without doing harm to themselves or others when they act out. Sports teams are great because they require practices and game days. They are exercising and socializing with peers their age and can act like a child that they are. Hobbies like painting, learning a musical instrument will stimulate the child’s need to share their emotions. Try a few things out and allow your child to make the decision on what makes them the happiest.

Your divorce is what you make it. It may be a difficult and stressful time for you, but remember you aren’t the only one feeling that pain. Remain positive, get your child involved, find them a counselor and always keep your negative thoughts to yourself. Don’t allow your child to feel like it’s their fault, because it is never the child’s fault.

Author Bio

Heather Smith is an ex-nanny. Passionate about thought leadership and writing, Heather regularly contributes to various career, social media, public relations, branding, and parenting blogs/websites. She also provides value to nanny service by giving advice on site design as well as the features and functionality to provide more and more value to nannies and families across the U.S. and Canada. She can be available at H.smith7295 [at] gmail.com.

Forensic Accounting and Divorce

Brian Galbraith — Fri, 11 May 2012 10:11:09 -0500

The role of a Forensic Accountant in a divorce is not well known. Erin Palmer offers great insights into this valuable professional who can help uncover hidden assets or income of a deceptive spouse. Here is Erin's blog:

All’s Fair in Love and War, Except in Divorce – That’s What Forensic Accountants Are For

You aren’t alone. Many couples considering divorce find themselves in a predicament they never expected to be in and begin to look at each other in a new light. Here’s one scenario: One spouse may be shuffling money around and squirreling it away. The other is offered a piteous settlement and is none the wiser, but instinctively feel that the numbers just don’t add up. Here’s a second scenario: One spouse offers the other a blunt settlement with no questions asked, without a way to alter the settlement later on. Both scenarios should be considered cautionary tales. If your intuition is telling you something isn’t adding up, or your divorce lawyer recommends getting a forensic accountant, you should listen. Large corporations aren’t the only ones guilty of moving and hiding assets these days.

Three Things You Should Know About Forensic Accountants

1. Why You Need a Forensic Accountant

It’s such a simple question to ask, “Why?”, but the answers can vary greatly. An article posted, April 30, 2012, on the Wall Street Journal’s website gave staggering data from several studies…

· 31 percent of U.S. adults who join their earnings and savings with their spouse or significant other admitted they have been deceptive about money at times. – National Endowment for Financial Education

· 58 percent from the same study (mentioned above) admitted they hid cash, as well. – National Endowment for Financial Education

The Wall Street Journal article goes on to report something else of significance – technology is playing a larger role in discovering deceptive financial practices between couples.

· During a 2010 survey, members of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers were asked if in the past five years had they had seen an increase of information and evidence used that was gathered from social media/social networking websites (think Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter). Can you believe that 81 percent of the members said yes?

· Two years later the members were polled again with the same question and the number of lawyers answering yes climbed to 92 percent. That’s an increase of 11 percent in just two years.

2. What Forensic Accountants Look For

Forensic Accountants are highly trained professionals who may also possess a CPA license as a result of passing the Uniform CPA Exam. These financial professionals have received specialized training in locating financial information through research and technology. When a forensic accountant is assisting with a divorce, one of the first things they review are tax returns belonging to both parties. Believe it or not, a forensic accountant can learn a lot from a tax return such as real estate information, investments, partnerships and businesses, trusts and estates, and much more. Once they’ve reviewed this information, the forensic accountant can branch out and continue digging.

Other items forensic accountants look for are things like unreported retirement funds and decreased earnings being reported by the main bread winner. An unreported retirement fund is a deceptive practice. And decreased earnings may not be a red flag to most lay people, but to a trained professional this could lead to much more. They will look to see when the earnings first started to decrease and study as to whether they can put a tangible reason to the decrease or if it looks like money is being funneled in another direction.

Another task a forensic accountant may perform requires the use of specialized computer programs that can sift through all the data that is currently living on a hard drive or had once been there. Yes, even if data has been deleted from a drive, the information remains deep within the heart of the hard drive and these professionals have the ability to try and retrieve it.

The work of a forensic accountant isn’t always structured around finding a deceptive spouse. They also help lawyers create financial statements based upon their review of the couple’s assets. This has proven to be very helpful in creating an accurate financial picture that presiding judges can utilize to make his or her decision on the separation of assets.

3. If You Want It Done Right (Legally), Hire a Professional

When it comes to divorce, emotions can run high. And it’s natural to have your anger and frustration build. However, trying to take matters into your own hands is not advisable. If you have decided to Google or follow your spouse’s trail online and started finding information pertinent to your case, discuss this with your lawyer first.

The Wall Street Journal article “Why Hiding Money From Your Spouse Has Gotten a Lot Harder” mentions the grey area between following your soon-to-be former spouse’s online history versus putting a key logger on their computer. A key logger can be a piece of hardware or software installed on a computer that records the actions of whomever is using it.

If you are considering going rogue and ‘bug’ your spouse’s computer, it is very important that you talk to your lawyer first. More than likely they will advise against it and the information obtained may not be admissible during your legal proceedings. Not to mention, you could end up in legal trouble of your own.

If you are considering divorce and want to allocate your assets properly, or suspect your family’s assets have been mis-handled or-represented by your spouse, a forensic accountant will be your best line of defense next to your attorney. There are various reasons why you would hire this type of legal representation but for those who may not know the benefits to hiring a Forensic accountant or how to hire the right CPA for your situation, it is highly suggested you research or interview multiple professionals in search for the best fit for your situation.

Erin Palmer writes about CPA exam review and CPA continuing professional education for Bisk Education.

Divorce, Matrimonial Home and Mortgages: Sage Advice And Good Options

Brian Galbraith — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 11:35:27 -0500

Darren Robinson is a mortgage broker in Barrie. He helps many clients who are going through a divorce refinance their home and get on their feet. He has some interesting and suprising advice. Darren is with Dominion Lending in Barrie. He wrote the following excellent blog:

How does separation or divorce impact my home & mortgage?

On the unfortunate occasion when a marriage is dissolved, there are a number of financial questions that need to be answered. The most important is what to do with the matrimonial home? The two easy answers are; 1) sell it, divide the equity & move on or 2) one party buys out the other party and stays in the home.

While option one might sound like the simplest option, if the couple have kids it is usually better for them to keep some type of consistency in their lives. Staying in the home will allow them to remain at the same school & keep their neighbourhood friends which can be very comforting. Also, option one might not be financially possible due to mortgage penalties or a weak real estate market.

In order for option two to work the spouse will have to ensure that they will be able to afford to stay in the house on one salary. The current lender will need to re-qualify the applicant on their own before they will allow the ex-spouse to be removed from title and released from the mortgage (it is extremely important that both these steps are taken because it is possible for someone to be removed from title but still remain responsible for the payments if the mortgage is in arrears). This transaction normally doesn’t involve any lender penalties but a real estate lawyer’s service will be needed to transfer the title.

If, as part of the separation agreement, the spouse remaining in the home is required to make a lump-sum payment to the other, they may need to refinance their mortgage to enable equity to be taken out of the property. This may or may not involve lender penalties (check your lender’s policies). In many cases the lender will allow you to leave your current mortgage intact but add refinance funds to the original balance in a transaction called a blend & extend, avoiding any penalties. There are lending rules in place in Canada that will only allow a home owner to refinance their mortgage to 85% of the home’s value. This can be very limiting to couples who have less than 15% equity in their home, so CMHC (Canadian Mortgage & Housing Corporation) will allow, on a case-by-case basis, the transaction to go through as a purchase to 95% of the home’s value. This can then free up most of the capital the couple has accumulated in the house for a more simple division of assets.

If the spouse staying in the house does not qualify for a new mortgage on their own there is the possibility to add a co-signer/co-borrower to the mortgage. This applicant is normally a parent or sibling who has good credit/income and is willing to take over payments on the home if the loan goes into default. An alternative option is to leave the ex-spouse on title but I highly recommend against this because no matter how amicable your relationship is now you never know how your relationship will evolve in the future.

Keep in mind that most lenders require a finalized separation agreement be in place before they will consider a new approval. They will need complete visibility/disclosure of any alimony or child support payments, as they will need to be calculated when qualifying the client for a new mortgage.

When facing separation or divorce it is always best to sit down with a mortgage broker for a free consultation. They will be able to outline viable options and work through different scenarios throughout the separation process to ensure you’re making the best financial decision available to you.

If you live in the Barrie, Ontario area I’d be happy to set an appointment at my office (62 Commerce Park Drive, Unit N) to discuss your options and detail a plan to move forward. You can call me at (705) 737-6161, (888) 737-6162 or by email drobinson@domininionlending.ca. Alternatively you can find more information about mortgage financing at www.darrenrobinson.ca.

Divorce and Debt: Tips to Get Out of Debt

Brian Galbraith — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 11:17:49 -0500

Sophie Kinsella of the Oak View Law Group wrote an interesting blog about dealing with debt after divorce. Although the Oak View Law Group is not Canadian,it is found in many of the states of the US, her comments ring true in Ontario too. It just makes good sense. Thanks Sophie.

Here’s is her blog…

Tips to follow in order to come out of your divorce debt

Many people believe that divorce is the beginning of a fresh new chapter in life, but that’s far from being true. Years of marriage often lead to years of accumulated debt, especially on the recent economic surface. Almost more than 50 percent of the divorce couples are under knee-deep debt and looking for a solution to come out of it. In this situation, it is generally not recommended to enroll on a debt settlement program as it sometimes becomes an intimidating task and hurts credit score. Instead, it is usually suggested to follow a few simple tips that will help you dig out of your divorce debt soon.

1. Budgeting:

One of the most important tips to come out of your divorce debt is to make a budget plan. Make a list of all the sources of your income and expenditures, and determine where your money goes out. You may do it on a paper or in a spreadsheet. Either way is good, but you have to see which one is more convenient for you.

2. Modify your spending habit:

Being a girl, you might have a few bad habits when it comes to shopping. You might often end up buying unnecessary goods and doing impulsive shopping. But now when it is crucial for you to come out of the debt, you must have a control over your spending habit. Always carry your budget along and abide by it. Every time you go for shopping, list down the items that you need to buy and are of utmost important. Make sure, an item which is not there in the list, should not be there in the cart.

3. Prioritize your expenditures:

When you are by yourself, you might wish to text your friend or log in to Facebook. But now it’s time to prioritize your expenditures. You must understand that now it’s time to focus on debt repayment rather than paying the bills.

4. Make some wise decision:

When you have come half the way of budgeting, make some wise financial decision. Think twice if you can do without the basic voice service on your cell phone in order to save $40 per month. Also think if you can bathe your dog by yourself instead of keeping a groomer. These are a few important questions that you need to ask yourself in order to determine how to reduce monthly expenses.

Also take a decision in regard to a debt payment plan. Determine how you are going to pay your bills. You may either pay the bills on a monthly budget cycle or may pay on a bi-weekly cycle, depending on your unique financial situation.

5. Snowball:

Consider repaying your debt in a snowball method. Aim at paying off your lowest balance first while making small amounts to the highest balance. This will help you pay off your debt and will boost your moral support.

In conclusion, afore mentioned are some effective tips to follow in order to get rid of your divorce debt.

Determining Income for Support Purposes

Brian Galbraith — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 10:12:27 -0500

Determining income is the first step toward determining the proper level of child support and spousal support. This is easy to do for employees. We just look at line 150 of their personal income tax return. The challenge is determining the proper level of income for those people who are self-employed or are employed by a corporation they solely own.

Self-employed people often write off various expenses for tax purposes that have a personal component to them. For example, the monthly costs of the cell phone might be written off as a business expense but that cell phone may also be used for personal calls. Some self-employed people will write off meal expenses, some of which are with family members or friends. Those meals are really of a personal benefit and not considered a legitimate expense for determining your income for support purposes. As a result, the portion of the expense that are of a personal nature are added back to the self-employed person's income for determining support. Since taxes are not paid on this income, it must be grossed up to take into account the taxes that are normally paid on it.

For those people who are the sole owners of the shares of a corporation, the issue is whether there is a legitimate reason for the earnings to be retained by the corporation. For example, a corporation that has to make major capital purchases periodically may have good reason to retain their earnings. They will need them to buy new equipment or other capital and will need the money. On the other hand, if a corporation is retaining earnings as a tax savings shelter for its only shareholder and there is no legitimate business reason to retain the earnings, some or all of the retained earnings can be added to the shareholders' income for the purpose of determining his or her support obligation.

These are often complicated cases. There has to be a careful analysis of the business and the purpose for the earnings being retained. We sometimes use an outside expert such as an accountant or business valuator who has experience looking at these issues.

If we are working through these issues using the Collaborative process, both parties might jointly retain an expert to help determine whether some or all of the retained earnings should be considered income for determining support obligations. This is better than the court process where both parties retain experts who fight it out.

Once we have determined both party's incomes, we put the numbers into our computer and determine the likely range of support appropriate. It's easy once we have the incomes.

Fairness in Your Divorce: Court Compared to Collaborative

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 08:54:03 -0500

The other day the judge in Family Court said "We can't consider "fairness" when deciding cases." I was shocked but then I realized that she is right. Family Court is about rules and process. Like cases are to be treated alike according to the law. The law is a set of principles that the judge uses to prescribe the rights and responsibilities of the parties. Judges have a lot of discretion when applying the law to the facts so we speak in terms of the likely "range of outcome". Fairness in family court means applying the rules and principles impartially to each party. The resolution is not necessarily seen as "fair" to both parties. In fact, neither party may feel it is "fair".

One of my clients, referring to Family Court, said "It's not a justice system, it's 'just a system'." How true. Family court is a system intended to resolve disputes. That's all.

This is not in any way to impugn our Family Court judges. We have brilliant judges who care about the parties before them. It's just that the court system is an adversarial system. It isn't intended to meet the core concerns of each party.

Of course, in a sense it is "fair" to impartially apply the same rules and principles to all parties to resolve their disputes. That's what courts do.

What most people want is a resolution that takes into consideration their core concerns: their underlying needs, desires, concerns and fears. Courts are not allowed to take into consideration the core concerns or interests of the parties. Courts take into consideration only those facts that are logically related to the applicable principles of the law. Judges' discretion is limited by the law.

Collaborative Practice is a process that involves interest-based negotiations. The professionals help the parties discover their core concerns. We then help the parties brainstorm solutions that take into consideration both party's core concerns. It's hard work but in the end the parties have a "win-win" resolution: a resolution they both feel is "fair". At Galbraith Family Law, all of our lawyers are trained to help clients using Collaborative Practice. We also go to Family Court but if we can help you reach a win-win resolution using Collaborative Practice, we do it.

Ontario Collaborative Law Federation Conference 2012

Brian Galbraith — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 14:20:08 -0500

The 2012 OCLF Conference will be held in Horseshoe Resort in Simcoe County, just north of Barrie on September 26, 27, 28, 2012.

I will be chairing it along with Sue Cook and Jackie Ramler. We have formed sub-committees with volunteers from throughout Ontaro.

The theme is "Building High Performance Teams".

The Ontario Collaborative Law Federation represents 18 groups of specially trained professionals across the province. The members provide legal, family and financial support to couples during separation and divorce. This unique approach avoids the conflict and expense of going to court and promotes a family-focused resolution based upon open communication and mutual respect.

The conference will be a great way for professionals to hone their skills and develop relationships with like-minded professionals.

New Pension Legislation in Ontario Effective January 1, 2012

Brian Galbraith — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 12:04:23 -0500

Matthew Krofchuk has written a excellent blog at Divorce Happens Blog regarding the changes to the pension division legislation in Ontario which came into affect January 1, 2012. Matthew is with Krofchick Valuation so knows his stuff.

The biggest impact of the new legislation is that you can now divided Ontario pensions at source if you want. So, let's say you have a pension worth $60,000. In the past, you would have to give your spouse $30,000 to equalize the value of this asset if all other assets and debts were equal. Now, you can arrange to have your pension plan transfer to your spouse $30,000 into a locked in savings vehicle (LIRA).

Here is Matthew's blog... it explains it well....

Beginning January 1, 2012 new legislation passed by the Ontario legislature will result in a dramatic change in the way pension assets are divided between divorcing couples in Ontario. According to the Ontario Family Law Act (FLA), the value of married spouses’ pension assets must be included in family property, so the new pension rules could potentially affect a large number of married people in Ontario.

Are you one of them?

Well, for starters, the new rules – formally known as Bill 133 – only apply to spouses where no court order, family arbitration award, or domestic contract that provided for the division of pension assets between the two spouses was made before January 1, 2012. If you’ve entered into any one of these arrangements before the end of 2011, you’ll have to stick it out under the old rules.

The new rules also affect only those pensions covered by the Ontario Pension and Benefits Act, or in other words, provincial pensions. So if you or your spouse is a member of a pension plan that operates at a nationwide level like those available to federal public service employees or banks, for example, the value of the marital pension will be calculated in exactly the same way it was before. Provincial plans, however – like HOOPP, OMERS, and Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan – will be directly affected by the new rules and there will be a number of changes divorcing spouses with pensions like these should be aware of.

The first major change involves just who’s calculating the value of the pension. Pensions are currently valued by third party actuaries retained either by one (or both) of the divorcing spouses or their lawyers. The new rules, however, no longer give divorcing couples this option. Beginning in 2012 divorcing spouses will have to apply directly to the pension plan administrator to calculate the value of the pension to be divided as net family property. You will need to appeal to them directly by filling out a form from the Financial Services Commission of Ontario’s (FSCO) website and they will likely charge a fee for their services.

The new rules also allow divorcing spouses to transfer the value of the member spouse’s pension in the form of a lump sum payment if they desire; this option was not available under the old rules. Previously, the only way that a spouse could receive their portion of their partner’s pension was either as a percentage of monthly pension benefits, when they became payable, or indirectly through negotiating their settlement (kind of a, “you get the house and I’ll keep my pension” arrangement). It’s important to know that this new lump sum option is just that: an option. Spouses can still elect to go at it the old fashioned way if they desire.

The last big change involves how the value of the pension is calculated. As they relate to pension valuation the new rules don’t contain any provisions that require the spouses to do anything over and above what they already do; you still have to get that pension valued. However, the pension administrators – now the folks in charge of calculating the value of these pensions – will not be applying traditional actuarial practices in valuing them. The new rules mandate that all pension valuations be performed using a prescribed formula that should apply to all pensions.

This last change appears to result from an effort by the province to minimize conflict and lengthy court proceedings. By setting out a simple formula for the administrators there’s very little room for either party to argue or to revisit the calculation at some later date in light of a change in circumstances, both of which were not uncommon under the old rules. The downside to this approach, however, is that not all pensions are created equal (and certainly, not all divorcing couples are either). The new rules don’t make any provisions for the kinds of unique circumstances that could impact the value of pensions – like retirement ages or health issues – but unless the Courts decide that these issues should be taken into account as they arise, we’re probably stuck with them for the time being.

By Matthew Krofchick

Surviving Holidays Without Your Children

Brian Galbraith — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 16:13:55 -0500

Suchada, also known as Mama Eve, did an excellent blog about what to do when you don't have your children for the holidays, especially for the first time.

She is honest, insightful and offers hope about how to cope without your children.

Divorce sucks. You have a choice how you respond to its challenges. You can make it worse or you can take Mama Eve's good advice and make the most out of a difficult situation.

In time, it gets better. Truly... it does. Hang in there.

Here is her blog:

Acouple of days ago my children left on their first trip without me.

My husband and I separated earlier this year (I will write more about this later, and yes, it’s one of the reasons I didn’t keep up with my blog for a while). While much of this has been difficult, nothing has been harder for either of us than being away from the kids for the holidays. I got them for Thanksgiving, and he took them to see his family in Ohio for Christmas.

It sucks.

However, I try to make the best of even the worst situations, so here goes: my top 5 ways to survive being away from your kids for the holidays.

1. Stay busy

There was no question that when my boys got tickets to Ohio, I was getting a ticket to somewhere. I didn’t want to stay at home by myself and be lonely. So I’m flying to Florida to see my parents, and I’ve packed my schedule full of activities I love to do. If I’m bored I know I will wallow in my loneliness and guilt, so my goal is to not let it happen. And on the positive side, it’s been more than three years since I’ve had time to myself anyway, so I’m going to take full advantage of it with things that aren’t easy to coordinate with two little ones – like scuba diving and sailing and some nighttime fun.

2. Be flexible

While I would love to get on the phone and Skype with my little ones during the times it’s convenient for me (when I wake up, before I have dinner, a quick minute between errands), I have to remember they’re busy with their dad and his family. They have their days filled up with relatives who haven’t seen them in years, and grandparents that want to play with them, and sightseeing trips to all kinds of exciting destinations. If I want to talk to them and see them, I need to remember to be ready for when they have a moment, and not count on them to squeeze in regular appointments during a special trip like this.

3. Make memories

Since I know it isn’t easy to coordinate regular phone calls and Skype sessions, I decided to port myself to where they are, on demand. I made video recordings of me reading a stack of their favorite books, and then posted them to YouTube, and also a video just to tell them how much I love them and miss them. It’s not the same as interacting with them, but at least if they get lonely they can see my face and hear my voice reading something familiar anytime, anywhere (thanks to laptops and smartphones). Another benefit is it allows them to keep up part of their bedtime routine in an otherwise unfamiliar environment.

4. Remember it’s not all about you

This was the hardest thing for me as this situation unfolded, but once I accepted it, it’s been the most freeing. My kiddos are having a big adventure with a capable parent, surrounded by a big family that adores them and is thrilled to see them for the holidays. I miss them terribly, and I want to cuddle with them and smother them with kisses, but they don’t need to know how painful this is for me. What’s going on between their dad and me is an adult problem, and my boys don’t need to feel the weight of it. While I would do anything to be with them, I can’t change it, and moping and reminding everyone of how sad I am doesn’t make it a better holiday for anyone (including me).

5. Find joy in what’s around you

While my ideal situation would be to spend the holidays with my boys, I can’t pretend there aren’t a lot of positives to my Christmas plans. I will be with my parents, and my sister and her family, in a beautiful location with many friends. I will be able to go on adventures that aren’t easy to coordinate with two little ones, and I have friends and family who love me, and are thinking of me and praying for me. I know not everyone is so fortunate when they’re away from their children, but I believe something good can be found in even the dreariest circumstances. Even if it’s rock bottom, it means better days are coming.

I hope you all have restful holidays with people that love you, and I will see you again in the new year. Merry Christmas and lots of love!

Your First Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzza Since Divorce? Ugh.

Brian Galbraith — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:31:26 -0500

Are you dreading Christmas? Will it be your first special holiday since your separation? Are you depressed about not having your children for New Year's Eve, or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or some other special day. Whatever the holiday, you are not alone.

I remember the first Christmas that my three boys were with their mother Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I cried and felt depressed most of the day. The time seemed to creep by so slowly. I felt all alone and like a failure.

I should have taken my 6 year old son's advice.

A few days before Christmas, he knew he would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with his Mom because that's what we agreed. So, he asked me to write a letter to Santa and ask him to come to my house on December 26th instead of the 25th. My son said that Santa comes to Steve's house (Steve is my friend who is divorced with kids too) on the 26th so he was sure he wouldn't mind coming to our house then too!

Of course, Santa did come on December 26th, even without a letter, but I think the message my son unwittingly was giving me was that it does not matter when we celebrate Christmas...lets just make whatever day we have together full of love, gratitude, Santa and fun. He knew Santa (and joy) would arrive whenever we wanted them to arrive. We just had to schedule it.

To help make your holidays special, here are ten things you can do:

Ensure your schedule is specific. You and your ex spouse should confirm well in advance when each of you will have the children. If you don't have specific times already agreed, negotiate the days and times as soon as possible. There are too many other sources of stress in December so try to nail down your times with your children now.
Don't fight over which days you have your children. Whenever you have them, make it special. If you really need particular days, offer to trade days with your ex spouse or give your ex spouse those special days next year. Treat your ex they way you would like to be treated, even if it isn't reciprocated.
Do something special for yourself. I make myself some of my favorite food, pour myself some wine, watch some basketball in front of the fireplace and wrap presents all day on December 25th. Actually, I look forward to my day spent all by myself. I am totally relaxed and ready when the boys come over on December 26th.
Support your children having a good time with their other parent. If you need to speak to someone about your sad feelings, talk to a friend or therapist - not your kids. The children don't need to hear it. They need to hear that it is okay to have fun with their other parent too.
Create new traditions. This is a new beginning for you and your children so don't try to replicate the past. Find new ways to celebrate the event. You can preserve some of the past traditions but find new ways of celebrating too. My parents always put a maraschino cherry on the top of our grapefruits Christmas morning so I continue to do the same now. Change things up too... I started singing Christmas carols after our Christmas dinner.
Get outside. Go for a walk or ski or snowshoe. There is nothing more rejuvenating than being outside with nature and your family. When your kids are with you, take them outside too. A good snowball fight can really build up an appetite.
Give of your heart. If you have just recently separated, money is likely short so don't try to spend like you did in the past. Do something special for the people you love. Maybe you can write a special little poem for each of them or list twenty ways you appreciate them. Gifts often don't have lasting meaning. Can you even list five gifts you received last year or the year before? It is the feelings of love and appreciation that last forever.
Stay sober. If you over-drink, you run the risk of crumbling into a pile of self-pity and depression. Nobody wants to see that and certainly your kids don't need to see it. Have fun but be careful so you can keep it together emotionally, especially during your first Christmas since your separation.
Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. If your family or friends are negative, remind them the season is all about gratitude, love and appreciation. Park you own negativity and search for the positive in everything and everyone, even your ex spouse.
Relax. Know that in time the holidays will become easier to get through and more fun. Just take a deep breath and get through your first set of holidays. Next year, it will be better. Trust me.

There are several wonderful blogs about surviving the holiday season after divorce.

Now, my youngest son is 12 years old and he says the best thing about Mom and Dad having separated is that he enjoys "two Christmases, two Easters and two Thanksgivings!" He says "if you like that kind of food, it's great!" Let me assure you... he certainly does like "that kind of food!"

So make it a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa or whatever special holiday you are celebrating this year. Joy will come whenever you schedule its arrival. It is up to you.

Kids in Divorce. What Do They Need?

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 11:36:17 -0500

Here is a link to a fantastic set of articles about children and divorce. It includes the following:

What children of divorce need
Age level reactions to loss
10 Commandments of Divorce
Steps for Recreating a Strong Single Parent Family
Four Types of Parental Relationships Post-Divorce
Plus more.....

It was put together by Rainbows which is a non-profit organization committed to helping children and teems grieve and grow after loss. Go to www.Rainbows.ca.

Rainbows offers peer support for children of all ages who are grieving a loss. Since 1983, it has served over 2.5 million kids working through schools, faith communities, agencies and other organizations. There are 7 age-specific programs that really help kids express their feelings, learn and grow through their parents' divorce. It is an amazing program.

I recently met the founder of Rainbows, Suzy Yehl Marta, at the Annual General Meeting of Rainbows Canada. She is an amazing person and Rainbows is a great organization. I am so proud to be on the Board of Directors for Canada.

If you have children and you are going through a divorce, let Rainbows help them get through it. Learn more at www.Rainbows.ca.

Galbraith Family Law Partners with Starting Over Show

Brian Galbraith — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 10:17:21 -0500

Barrie ON Divorce 'Expo' Eases Stress of Breaking Up!

“The Starting Over Show,” an event dubbed as Ontario's first Divorce and Separation Expo is being staged to give separating and newly single people access to the professional services needed to move on with life.

Advice, Seminars and Professional Expertise all in one place. This is the occasion to have access to all of the experts all in one place.

Galbraith Family Law will be joining a team of Professionals addressing every aspect of the Divorce and Separation Process.

www.StartingOverShow.ca

"When I first separated, it was horrible! I didn’t know where to turn, who to talk to and how to move forward. Along with my self esteem, my finances were devastated and my credit was severely damaged. I was seeing a lot of my friends going through the same as me and yet there was very little help available. What shocked me was that there was really no one place to seek out help for ALL of the issues I was facing!!”

“The Starting Over Show” will offer information on coping with stress, dealing with children and legalities and advice on various issues such as finances, credit counselling and property issues. It will be held at the Allandale Community Centre in Barrie Ontario on Saturday Nov 5th and Sunday Nov 6th 2011.

“Divorce and Separation is not just about the obvious legal documents and child custody issues,” says Carol Matthews, event coordinator, but it is also about financial issues, coordinating the move, maintaining your credit, and ultimately reinventing yourself as a single person again.”

According to Stats Canada almost 80,000 Canadian couples divorce each year, as well as many thousands of co-habiting couples. People are needing to extricate themselves from joint finances, real estate, investments and lives.

Divorce is one of the top contributors to Bankruptcy, credit damage and stress induced health issues. The Starting Over Show will host hourly Seminars addressing such issues. “Often people who are separating or divorcing think they need a lawyer, but they don't think about the need for a home appraiser, tax planner, moving company, realtor etc.,” says Ms. Matthews. “The goal of the fair is to bring together all kinds of professionals and services that people WILL need when they are facing a divorce or separation,”

“It's the first-time such a forum has been held in Ontario,” said Darren Gingras, President of Canadian Separation Services, a sponsor of The Starting Over Show. "We are most certainly not promoting divorce or separation, instead we recognize that Divorce and Separation is a very stressful period in individual’s lives and we are making the professional services and options available to individuals in one location.” "It is about bringing together experts who will help people get through a break-up in the best way possible."

The Starting Over Show will be held Sat Nov 5th and Sunday Nov 6th at the Allandale Community Centre, 190 Bayview Avenue in Barrie ON. Show hours are 10am to 6pm both days. Entrance to the Expo and seminars is $20.00 at the door.
For more information contact: the Galbraith Family Law, Darren Gingras at: 1(866) 748-6363 or Carol Matthews at ccmatthews@rogers.com. www.StartingOverShow.ca

The Story Of Your Divorce: Blue Valentine

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 09:53:08 -0500

If you are separating or divorcing, you have a story to tell. It's a story that starts with happiness and hopefulness and ends in sadness and separation.

When I separated, I wanted to tell my story but, frankly, it seemed nobody wanted to hear it. My friends and family felt awkward and uncomfortable yet I needed to tell it - over and over and over again. Nobody wants to hear a broken record so I guess I can't blame them. My point is I felt all alone with my story.

As a divorce lawyer, I hear stories from my clients every day.

Do you have a story about your separation and divorce? Maybe you have friends and family who will listen. Another great way to tell your story is to journal it. Write it out as many times as you want.

Of course, you don't want to get stuck in your story. Eventually you need to let it go. I remember one person who told me the story of their divorce. They were very passionate, full of anger and visibly in pain. What was remarkable is that their divorce had occurred over ten years ago. Clearly, they were stuck in the past. They had not let go.

Maybe you can try creating a time line of your life, highlighting the major events or turning points. Try to understand your mistakes, and your spouse's mistakes, and then forgive both your spouse and yourself. When you are ready, shred or burn those stories so you can put them behind you.

I suggest you find a Family Coach to help you. These kind people have training in therapy with a focus on the impact of divorce. They will listen to your story and help you move through it.

I watched this movie over the weekend. It is all about the telling of the story of divorce. It's kind of sad but it also reminded me that we all have stories. It is worth watching. I hope you will somehow feel you are not alone.

Common Law Relationships and Property Division in Barrie, Ontario

Brian Galbraith — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 07:52:33 -0500

So, you lived together in a common law relationship but now it has come to an end. Your friends say "When you separate, it's just the same as if you had been married. Everything is 50/50!"

This is an urban myth. In Ontario, it is more complicated.

Of course, the starting point is that you keep the assets and debts in your name and your partner keeps the assets and debt in their name. The question is whether either of you have to share the value of your assets with the other.

A recent decision of the Supreme Court of Canada (SCC) known as Kerr v. Baranow, radically changed how we look at the rights of common law partners upon separation regarding property division.

The SCC has now said that if there is a “joint family venture” there should be a fair division of the assets acquired during the relationship.

In lower court decisions since the SCC decision, if there is long term relationship, especially with children, and there has been an joint effort to work together for the betterment of both parties and an intermingling of the finances, there tends to be an equal division of the assets acquired during the relationship.

Although we don't have many cases decided since the decision at time of writing this blog, I think we will see a trend toward an equal division of property upon separation when the parties have been living together in long, stable relationship, especially if there are children, the parties have intentionally became financially intertwined and they worked collaboratively toward mutual goals.

If you have lived together for a short period of time and you kept your finances and financial goals separate, you might not have a right to a share in any of your partner's assets at all. It may be that each party just keeps that which is in their own name and that jointly owned property is shared equally.

Of course, your case may be in between the two extremes. You might have a right to some of your partner's assets. It all depends on on the facts of your relationship whether you have a claim and the extent of your claim.

Of course, another issue is spousal support. If you have lived together for more than 3 years or you have a child together and your incomes are different you may have a right to spousal support. Check out this article for more information.

You are wise to seek the advice of a family law lawyer, just to get an idea whether you might have a claim to your partner's property when it is a common law relationship. It's murky water.

New Wife and Ex Wife: A Complicated Relationship

Brian Galbraith — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 12:57:30 -0500

All relationships are trying at times but perhaps one of the more difficult ones is between a "new wife" and the "ex wife". (Probably this is true for the "new husband" and "ex husband" too.)

Donna Ferber (pictured on the left) offers another great blog in which she explores this challenging relationship.

Donna writes:

Judged as guilty before even tried, these women are pitted against each other by circumstance. Stereotypes abound; the first wife was a “crazy nagging bitch” and the second one “a cheap slut”!

Unfortunately, these stereo types often eclipse the potential for a positive relationship; these women are preprogrammed not to like each other by societal misconceptions. In truth, had these women met under different circumstances they might have been friends.

Donna has it right.

There is a natural inclination to think poorly of the new spouse by the former spouse and vice versa. In most cases, the dislike is petty and without merit. But, alas, emotions are without logic. Emotional responses to other people can overwhelm our logical side. Intellectually, we may want to judge the other person on their merits but our emotional side won't let it happen.

Donna explores various reasons why the "ex" and the "next" may have challenges making their relationship work.

Here is a surprising story about a woman who was accepting of her ex husband's new life partner.

I once represented a woman whose husband had discovered that he was gay and left her for man. This other man was involved in the lives of their children yet my client was not at all bothered his new role. I asked her how it was that she was so accepting of this new relationship and person. Her response was interesting. She said something like "I am a woman. I can't compete with a man. It's apples and oranges. Now had he left me for another woman, I would have hated the bitch and wanted to scratch her eyes out!"

Who knew?

Relationships are complicated, surprising and challenging.

If you are an "ex" or the "next" know that you are not alone in your struggle to maintain a positive relationship with the other. It's a challenge.

If you are the one in the middle, understand that the relationship of the "ex" and the "next" is not an easy one for anyone. Don't fuel the fire. Just be understanding.

This too shall pass... hopefully.

"Mandatory Information Program" Comes Too Late

Brian Galbraith — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 10:43:45 -0500

The Attorney General Chris Bentley, pictured on the left, announced that effective July 18, 2011, all new applicants to Family Court in Ontario must attend the Mandatory Information Program. This is a 2 hour program held at courthouses across the province explaining the Family Court process and alternatives. The intention of the program is to let people know that there are less painful ways to resolve their family law issues than going through Family Court. The motive is excellent.

The problem with the program is that it is made available only after a court action has been commenced. By that time, the parties are often entrenched in their positions and ready for a long drawn out fight. The mud throwing has begun.

It's like advocating against drunk driving to car accident victims laying in hospital beds. It would be better if parties knew about alternatives to Court before they start their Court case....before it's too late.

If we could somehow reach out to the public to let them know that they would be better off starting with Collaborative Practice instead of Court, society would be better off. Collaborative Practice is an excellent way to resolve family law issues quickly and cost-effectively, while minimizing the pain, especially for the children. It keeps people focused on problem-solving rather than verbally beating up each other. It keeps people out of Family Court. It works.

I don't mean to rain on the Attorney General's parade. I believe his heart is in the right place. Families going through a divorce need to know that Court should be seen as their last resort. It's just about timing. The public needs to know before they commence a Court action.

Older Couples Getting Divorced in Barrie, Ontario

Brian Galbraith — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 14:06:04 -0500

Are you over 50 years old and thinking about getting a divorce? You are not alone. More and more older couples are getting divorced. Deborah Moskovitch, author of The Smart Divorce writes an interesting blog in the Huffington Post about this phenomenon. She says we shouldn't be surprised because the reasons for marriage have changed and the stigma of divorce has diminished.

Deborah writes in her blog the following:

Women wanted someone to take care of them, men wanted to be in a position of power. Today, as more women become financially independent, looking to be taken care of is no longer what many are seeking. Rather, both women and men want an equal partnership in the relationship, and a best friend. Of course, there are many other factors resulting in the breakdown of the marriage, I don't want to over simplify it. But, if you consider how expectations surrounding marriage have changed over the last few decades, and the thought of no longer becoming a social outcast upon divorce, these are some influencing factors behind the increasing divorce rate amongst couples in long term marriages.

Of course, another factor is simply that as the baby boomer generation grows older, of course, the number of divorces of older people grows greater too. Baby boomers represent about 29% of the population of the United States.

Deborah points out that the stigma of divorce has diminished which suggests it is an easier decision for older couples to make now than it was in the past. While it is true that the stigma has diminished, I have never met anyone, especially those in the baby boomer generation, who have taken divorce lightly. It continues to be an isolating, painful process.

In the past, there was great admiration given to those couples who stayed married "till death". I feel that if two people can find a way to stay happy together for many years, it is wonderful but if they are miserable and "stick it out", I don't see what there is to celebrate. Frankly, I never understood why staying in a relationship that was terrible was worthy of admiration. What's the point?

People change. The challenge is to find ways to change together and to give each other the room you need to grow and renew. This can take a lot of work and patience. Sometimes it just is impossible.

My parents were married 54 years when death separated my father from my mother. I think they were happy together throughout their marriage. I hope to reach the same plateau. I look forward to 50 more years of matrimonial bliss. I'll be 99 years old! Wow!

How To Tell Adult Children About Your Separation

Brian Galbraith — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 09:34:29 -0500

Separation and divorce is hard on children. Frankly, it's hard on everyone, adult children included. Often separating couples see their adult children as being more able to cope with their parents' separation than younger children. I am not sure this is true.

Erica Manfred is the author of "He's History, You're Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty." and recently authored an interesting article in the Huffington Post about how to tell adult children of your divorce.

She offers eight "rules":

Give the news in a compassionate way. Don't just email, text or phone them. Do it in person.
Don't lie. Tell them the truth about your marriage.
Show empathy. Try to support your children. It's hard for them too.
Don't put them in the middle. Don't ask your kids to take sides.
Don't depend on your children for advice. This is another way of putting them in the middle. Let them love both parents.
Don't ever tell them "you're the reason we stayed together". This can make your children feel guilty and feel that their whole childhood was a sham.
Call a truce with your Ex. You will always be connected with your spouse through your children so try to get along.
Don't shove your new boyfriend or girlfriend down your kids' throats. It is just too awkward and could lead to resentment. Give them time to adjust.

I agree with all of these suggested rules except for the second one. Erica suggests that you should tell your adult children the reasons for the divorce. She says if there was an affair, be honest about it.

I feel that telling your children about the reasons for the marriage ending will likely cause the children to take sides. This is not helpful to your children. They ought to be able to maintain a relationship with both parents. The problems you two had has nothing to do with their relationship with each of parent. Telling them about the affair can only lead to more strife and the children feeling caught in the middle.

Some may argue that adult children are better able to cope and understand their parents' separation yet I argue they are still your children. Let me give you an example. Intellectually, your adult children know that you have a sex life whereas when your children were young, they had no idea. Young children walking in on their parents making love is shocking. Walking in on mom and dad having sex would be just as awkward and disturbing to the adult child. Just imagine it for yourself! Yuck!

Likewise, learning the sordid facts around the breakdown of your marriage would be at the very least awkward and at the worst, repulsive. Simply put, I don't see how it could benefit your children. They will tend to take sides and "divorce" one of their parents. Don't make your adult children casualties of your divorce.

Otherwise, I like the advice offered by Erica. Be sensitive to your adult children when you tell them you are getting a divorce. Treat them the same way you would if they were still your cute little bundles of joy even if they are now your adult, money-sucking, know-it-all children. Either way, they are still your darling children.

Parental Planner: A New Communications Journal for Separated Parents

Brian Galbraith — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 09:53:14 -0500

The Parental Planner is a new way for separated parents to communicate with one another. It is a essentially a communications journal that is passed between parents at the time of exchanging the children.

The advantage to using a communications journal is that it avoids face-to-face confrontations. You can also ensure all the pertinent information is exchanged. It also serves as a record of communications between parents. It helps parents who are separated to try to maintain some consistency in their parenting between homes. I also like that it has plastic folders in it so that documents such as health insurance cards can go back and forth easily.

It is best to keep it available so that you can jot information into whenever the need arises.

Although it not intended to be shared with the children, it should be written in such a way that if your children do stumble upon it, you will be proud of what you have written in it. So don't criticize the other parent. Always be respectful of one another in your communications.

Don't forget to also share positive events in the children's lives such a milestones and achievements.

If you are angry at the other parent, put the journal down! Let your steam off some other way and then, when cooler heads prevail, you can write in the journal.

The Parental Planner is simple and yet comprehensive.

Learn more about it at www.ParentalPlanner.com.

And it's Canadian!

Double Dipping. Paying Spousal Support from Pension Income

Brian Galbraith — Fri, 27 May 2011 10:01:53 -0500

When you divorce, what would you rather have - a valuable pension or a home worth the same? Or does it matter?

If a pension is worth the same as the equity in the home, the property settlement is easy. One person keeps their pension and the other keeps the house. Technically, this seems like a fair settlement but there may be complications.

Retirement

Often the pension holder is the bread winner for the family so will be paying spousal support to the other spouse. The challenge is that when they retire, the pension holder will have an income from the pension but the one with the home may not have any income. The pension holder will say "Hey, I shouldn't have to pay you spousal support from my pension... you got the house because it was of equal value to my pension.... if I have to pay spousal support from my pension, that would be double dipping!"

In the case Boston v. Boston, the Supreme Court of Canada agreed. It said that in most cases it would not be fair that the pension holder would have to pay spousal support to their spouse from that portion of their pension income that has been equalized. They did say that any pension that was acquired post-separation or any other income could be considered for the purposes of determining whether spousal support should be paid. So, if the pension income is $5,000 per month and $4,000 of it was based on the pension acquired at the date of separation (which was equalized), then only $1,000 per month would be considered as the payor's income from which spousal support could be ordered. With an income of merely $1,000 per month, spousal support won't likely be ordered.

There is an assumption in the Boston case that the home owner should be able to generate a stream of income from the home asset when a retirement income is needed. For example, the home could be sold and the money invested into an annuity. As a result, both parties are in a similar situation.

Exceptions

There are exceptions to this general principle against double dipping. In Meiklejohn v. Meiklejohn, the Ontario Court of Appeal states it may be appropriate to order spousal support be paid from an equalized pension when the recipient is in dire need, has little ability to earn an income and most of his or her assets are tied in their home.

If you are the pension holder, you will want to include a provision in your separation agreement that specifically prevents double dipping. If you are the home owner, you will want to argue against such a provision and leave open the potential of spousal support from the equalized pension.

Pension Division

There is pending legislation in Ontario that will allow a pension to be divided at source. That means that a portion of the pension can be transferred directly to the other spouse. You can do this with some federal pensions already. This new legislation will be welcomed. It will be mean that each can have a portion of the pension and each can have a portion of the equity in the home. It will certainly make for better settlements. I anticipate there will be fewer arguments about double dipping after this legislation is finally passed.

My mom used to say "You can't have your cake and eat it too!" but she is wrong when it comes to double dipping. There can be exceptions.