Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog

Come Fly with Me - Do the Kids Go Too: Removal of Children from England & Wales

Richard Sharp — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 22:06:52 +0000

The summer holidays encourage many of us to travel abroad, find a getaway and soak up the sun for a week or two with the family. But for some the trip abroad is for much longer and the consequences are not just sunburn.

Two recent telephone calls to my office in Bath and Bristol highlight the impact that an intended permanent move abroad can have on a separating or divorced family.

The first is from a divorced father - “My ex-wife wishes to move to the Irish Republic taking our 10 year old daughter with her. She has accepted a new job and plans to leave the UK before the next school term begins. She has said that I can visit our daughter once a month and she could also visit me once a month. I cannot agree to this as my daughter is only just getting to grips with our divorce. We have a very strong bond and I promised that I would never leave her and would do all I could to live near her….. “

Another call came from a Norwegian woman married to an Englishman for the past 5 years. Having always said that she wanted their two children aged 4 & 2 to grow up in Norway, she thought they had an understanding about moving to Norway. But "...he now says that he never said he would agree to a move to Norway only that he would seriously consider it! …. I am NOT happy about this. I want to move back to Norway with our children… “

Two heart-rending cases with possible drastic implications for both families. It is this that lies at the heart of the court's dilemma when faced with determining who should go and who should stay.

The stark reality more often is that whatever happens, someone is going to emotionally suffer. How then do the courts decided these cases?

A very useful review of recent law governing the relocation of children abroad and within the UK is provided by Jacqui Gilliatt, a barrister at the Chambers of 4, Brick Court, in London. In her article entitled “I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane, Don't Know When I’ll Be Back Again: Can I Take The Children With Me?” first published in Family Law Week – Jacqui examines the law on relocating children to other countries and how the courts have been approaching such cases. There is also advice on the approach that both the resident and non-resident parent should take in pursuing or defending such cases.

I helped the non-resident father from Bristol to secure contact conditions with his 12 year old daughter that worked for them, the mother and wider family, with undertakings etc to maximise contact. Funds were spent on modern technology, web-cams, Skype, Ryanair and ensuring contact took place and not on litigation. The Norwegian mother and her husband are talking through their issues with a Family Therapist in Bath

Let's have Family Fun in the Sun this Summer - Tips for Separated Parents

Richard Sharp — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 19:30:29 +0000

Two weeks in the sun sounds fun with the family but can represent a challenge for many separated and divorced parents. Divorce Court Orders frequently provide contact for the annual summer break with the Kids, leaving dates to be agreed between the parents.

When parents can't agree, I and other family law solicitors help to negotiate or mediate arrangements between separated parents or take unresolved disputes back to the Divorce Court for it to dictate where, when and with whom children will be over the summer.

In two blog posts - “Preparing for the Summer” and “Surviving the Summer” Christina McGhee, internationally acclaimed divorce coach and parent educator gives tips on how to ensure the summer sun isn’t overshadowed by family fall outs and legal confrontations. I have drawn out the following three Do’s and Don’ts that I have seen can make the differnce for my clients in Bath & Bristol:

• Do plan early and commit to decisions made - Plan the arrangements for the summer holidays as early as possible. If you commit to doing something make sure it is followed through. Last minute clashes and changes are not easy to resolve. Children need their parents to make decisions and to stick to them

• Do support your child’s contact with the other parent – Be positive about your child spending time with their other parent. Let the children know it is OK with you that they are going away and that you will be OK too whilst they are away. It’s best for kids when both parents can be supportive of their activities and share in their excitement.

• Do help children maintain contact with the other parent – Provide the other parent with contact information and details as to where the children are going to be and who with. Let the children communicate with the other parent whilst away.

And

• Don’t talk through the children - It is tempting to relay information through the children when talking with the ex is difficult. But messaging between households is a burden children shouldn’t have to bear. Make sure you are the one delivering news about trips you are proposing to take and scheduling needs surrounding them.

• Don’t ambush the other parent - When making holiday plans, don’t set the other parent up. “I would really love for you to come with me to Spain, but it’s really up to your Mum to say yes” is neither fair on the child nor Mum. Instead, “A trip abroad would be lots of fun but before we can make plans, I need to talk with Mum to see if we can work out the details.”

• Don’t make your kids pay the price - If you make a decision to foot the holiday bill or move your schedule around to make a trip work, don’t make your kids pay the price. Whilst a trip abroad may be a wonderful experience for the child, it probably won’t be so wonderful for very long if the child has to listen to what Dad did or didn’t do to help. Children do not want to take sides – don’t make them.

And finally …..Conflict is the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for children. Let’s have family fun in the sun this summer by focusing on the needs of children.

How do you Prove Unreasonable Behaviour AND have an Amicable Divorce?

Richard Sharp — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 01:04:27 +0000

Pop singer, Cheryl Cole’s divorce from her England football husband Ashley would be “clean, swift, amicable and smooth” reported The Sun Newspaper at the end of May. And yet the divorce papers filed on her behalf were said to cite the reason for the breakup of the marriage as being Ashley Cole's "unreasonable behaviour".

if Cheryl truly wanted an amicable and smooth divorce, Ashley may have wondered why irreconcilable differences or the like wasn’t cited as the reason for the divorce. Few like to be accused of behaving so badly that their partner cannot ‘reasonably’ be expected to live with them.

Every so often, at my family law practice in Bath & Bristol, I am approached by clients who say they want a divorce based on "irreconcilable differences". They are in an unhappy marriage and just want to bring it to an end. I explain that it is not possible to obtain a divorce based on "irreconcilable differences" in the divorce courts of England and Wales.

Divorce in England & Wales is based on a marriage having "broken down irretrievably ". But there is a complication. This breakdown must be proved by evidencing only one of five "facts" laid down by the law - Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. They are Adultery, Unreasonable Behaviour, Desertion, Two years’ separation with consent and Five years’ separation without consent.

Three of these methods of proof - Desertion, Two (with consent) and Five years’ separation - involve a considerable period of delay (at least two years) before a divorce is possible at all. Similarly, adultery can only be relied upon if it to has taken place. This means unreasonable behaviour is the method of choice for most couples in cases where no adultery can be proved and a divorce is wanted sooner rather than later.

I recently worked with a husband from Bath who was separating from his wife. They had decided their marriage had irretrievably broken down. To help them work through the legal, financial and practical issues arising from their decision, they adopted the dispute resolution process known as Collaborative Law Practice. At a face to face meeting between them, her collaborative family solicitor and I, we discussed how to prove that the marriage had irretrievably broken down for the purposes of a divorce

The lawyers helped the husband and the wife together draft allegations of the unreasonable behaviour that were not unnecessarily confrontational and yet fulfilled the requirements of a District Judge sitting in the Bath Divorce Court. A task not so easily done at a distance

Despite the apparent fault based process, the collaborative law process enabled this divorcing couple to meet their goal and achieve an amicable divorce. I am interested in hearing how others have dealt with meeting the criteria for "Unreasonable Behaviour" AND achieve an amicable divorce

Parental Alienation Awareness Day is Relevant in Bath Too

Richard Sharp — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 16:16:19 +0000

“She would love me to disappear from our son’s life. I have been resisting this but any contact with him has been very much on her terms and rules”…. a comment made by a distressed father from Bath, to me, whilst experiencing the syndrome known as “Parent Alienation”. A term given to the deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his/her children from the other parent. The motivation is to destroy the parental bond between his/her children with the other parent.

Today, 25th April 2010 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day in the USA. A day, equally relevant and needed in the UK and in my home city of Bath.

“I think it unlikely that he will promote and encourage the boys’ relationship with their mother”.. and the response to that is often “I’m prepared to “fight” by whatever legal means necessary to ensure I have contact. I expect a great deal of resistance to this; however I believe this is what my sons want”

Restorative justice isn't something that the Family Courts are quick to address and the compensation provided by them is often far less than the loss experienced. The parent denied or with limited contact with a child often feels that his/her rights have and are being compromised. In fact, that parent can feel that he/she only has such rights as the other parent, or the Family Courts, can be persuaded to grant him/her.

So, what can the denied or restricted parent do?

Cathy Meyer a US Certified Divorce Coach provides some useful advice in her article “Help for Victims of Parental Alienation Syndrome” including consider working with a mental health professional ie a child specialist and never to give up hope

In her article “Tips to Help Restore Your Relationship With Your Child/Children” Cathy reminds us that when a parent reaches out to a child there are no guarantees that their efforts will pay off but, if no effort is made, the chance of re-building the relationship is remote. She suggests a number of things a parent can do and not do while attempting to connect with an estranged child

Even when pursuing contact through the courts, I advise my clients in Bath and Bristol

• Always accept whatever contact to your child is on offer, no matter how low - or absurdly low. If you accept a two-hour visit, you have established that two-hour visits are workable; if you refuse a two-hour visit, the resident parent can argue that two hour visits are not workable and should not happen.

• Do absolutely everything possible to make contact work, i.e. no arguments, no recriminations, no harsh words. Do not be late. Do not do anything that crosses a line without the most profound consideration. Do not indulge in tit-for-tat.

• Always remember that the Court's primary concern is whether the contact has worked i.e. been glitch-free and not so much with whose responsibility it was that it did not work. If contact is said to be causing difficulties, then even if those difficulties are caused by the resident parent, your case will become a difficult case where the Courts will be far less likely to intervene on your behalf. So we must make contact work!.

The Way you Divorce could Save your Business

Richard Sharp — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 12:28:11 +0000

Rob was a successful entrepreneur who had built up a business in Bath during the marriage. He came to see me as his marriage of 10 years to Sarah had come to an end. I learnt that Sarah knew little about the business and was concerned that she would lose out. Rob felt that the business was "his" rather than an asset to be shared.

A Nasty Divorce can mean trouble for Business

The impact of a marriage breakdown and divorce does ripple out well beyond the family home. A business caught in the cross fire of a divorce will suffer. Inattention from a stressed-out, depressed or preoccupied owner can lose customers and business opportunities. Divorce costs can escalate as competing lawyers and forensic accountants pick over the assets of the business.

A business interest is an asset to be divided between both spouses. It can often be the most valuable asset in the marriage and the biggest bone of contention in a divorce. Valuing it is complex, costly and time-consuming. How and who values it can be a major flash-point of conflict. Aside from its financial value, the emotional attachments can inflame the one who created it as he or she faces the prospect of sharing it with the other who has had no involvement in it.

The process you choose for your divorce can determine its outcome

What Sarah really wanted was the security of keeping the family home, not an interest in the business. Rob wanted to keep control of his business in Bath and the future benefits it might bring. They both wanted to avoid the acrimony and trauma of a traditional adversarial divorce court process. They feared that might destroy the business and the wealth they were trying to divide. They didn’t want a Judge sitting in the Bath County Court determining financial arrangements in their place.

Rob and Sarah selected me and another Bath Collaborative family lawyer to work with them and together we committed to resolve matters between us without involving the court.

We committed to resolve matters …… without involving the court

We introduced a collaboratively trained financial advisor. He looked from a neutral perspective at the assets of the marriage including the business and the family home, and helped Rob and Sarah understand the division options open to them. A family consultant worked with them to address their emotions towards each other, develop communication and a level of trust between them. Through a series of meetings attended by Rob and me, Sarah and her lawyer, we found a solution from the options available that met their interests and needs without either feeling disadvantaged.

The collaborative divorce process proved to

• preserve the wealth held by Rob & Sarah and not destroy it.
• ensure the right professional dealt with the right problem for Rob & Sarah.
• encourage Rob & Sarah to think creatively and craft solutions that worked for them and their family
• enable them to decide and keep control of what happened & how fast it happened.

Every divorcing couple is different, and a collaborative divorce process is not for everyone. But Rob & Sarah found that a collaborative divorce can enable solutions to be found and destruction to be limited to those things that were important to them and their family.

For a free copy of “A Client’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce” contact me at richard@sharpfamilylaw.com

The Challenge of Co-Parenting: The Top Three Strategies

Richard Sharp — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 17:16:54 +0000

Parenting at any time can be a challenging and complicated process. Parenting following divorce or separation can be even more difficult. The prospect of Co-parenting with the ex may seem a nightmare .

"Focus on the fact that you love your kids more than you dislike your ex."

In Relate’s guide "Help Your Children Cope with Your Divorce", Paula Hall gives the following advice for parents embarking on the co-parenting journey.

‘The qualities required for effective co-parenting are good communication, compromise and co-operation,’ she writes. It may be difficult if these things were missing in the first place but she adds that ‘once the separation is complete and the focus of conversations is purely on the children, many couples realise that for everyone concerned, you might as well get on with the job of being parents and leave bad feelings in the past.’

Paula's top tips for implementing the three core qualities can be summarised as follows:

Communication
• Although there may be bad feelings, keep communication calm and courteous
• Meet your ex partner when you have time and energy, not when you are stressed or tired
• Keep emotions in check and agree a time out if either of you gets too emotional

Co-operation
• Agree rules and roles beforehand. Children find it easier to have the same rules in both homes.
• Keep communication respectful and don’t disagree in front of your children
• Don’t encourage the children to take sides or use your child as a spy to find out about your ex’s personal life
• Don’t criticise your ex partner as this can be very stressful for the children.
• Be reasonable in your expectations of your ex partner, and understanding of lapses and mistakes. Your ex will be doing their best for the children and so will you.

Compromise
• Remember that what is best for the child is not always best for the parents
• A child misbehaving is not necessarily a result of the split. Talk to them and explore why they are upset.
• ‘I hate you and want to live with my dad/mum’ is normal as they usually want to live with both. They may know it is the best way to hurt you so instead of getting hurt simply explore what can be done
• Remember that the children need to feel that they can love both parents without being disloyal
• Respect that siblings might want to do different things.
• If your ex gets a new partner put aside negative feelings in front of your children. It will be difficult but the healthiest thing for the child is to be allowed to accept and like the new partner which is hard if you don’t.

People coping with the new dimensions of co-parenting may benefit from a talking with a counsellor in a few sessions. As part of a national charity with 70 years experience supporting relationships, Relate Mid Wiltshire has always been known for their work with couples. However, whole families, individuals and children as young as seven regularly benefit from counselling with Relate, as the service is offered to anyone who simply needs someone to talk to.

Family Counselling may be appropriate, or individual counselling for either parent or the children. Relate is keen to support anyone in making the process of co-parenting successful and beneficial for everyone involved. Call 0844 826 1788 to find out how Relate may be able to help you and your family

A Client's Guide to Collaborative Divorce - Putting Your Family First

Richard Sharp — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 12:31:17 +0000

"Our children aged 16 & 14 were reassured by seeing us working together to resolve our issues.” - “It really was by far the best thing we could have done. I would have been more damaged without it.” - “It is probably best summed up as “communication, not confrontation"

– Quotes highlighted in the section headed “What clients have said about the collaborative approach” in “A Client’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce: Putting your family first” written by Gillian Bishop

As the title suggests, this guide is designed to assist us understand the collaborative approach to separation and divorce. In particular it will help those individuals and couples who are:

Contemplating a divorce or separation and genuinely want to find a way of resolving issues without involving the court – the guide will assist them in making the right choice for them.
Already using the collaborative approach for resolving these issues – the guide will be a useful aide memoire for preparing for the 4-way meetings.

The Guide sets out Collaborative Divorce in a nutshell, how the approach works, how to know if it is right approach for the individual and their family, the roles of those participating including the lawyers and other possible professionals. It contains lots of frequently asked questions and a useful resources section packed with self-evaluation questionnaires. Comparisons, ground rules etc.

In addition to explaining the “no-court commitment” at the heart of the approach, what I like best about the Guide are the stories that are placed amongst its pages. They tell how couples – Clare & Peter, Matthew & Ingrid, Rachel & Joachim – were helped through their separation or divorce by the collaborative approach and the long-term benefits that that brought them as individuals and as families.

We made the right decision to deal with this collaboratively. I feel that although separated our family is still intact

I recommend this guide to my clients in Bath and Bristol who may be thinking how to go about separating and/or divorcing. If you would like a copy contact me on 01225 870336 or email me at richard@sharpfamilylaw.com. It can also be ordered online at www.flip.co.uk/about/downloads.asp

New Bath Divorce Service Links Law with Therapy

Richard Sharp — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 16:46:33 +0000

With summer days ahead, wedding bells become a familiar sound. Falling in love and getting married can be one of life’s high points. Divorce tends to fall at the opposite end of the emotional spectrum.

Divorce is one of the most emotionally disturbing transitions a person can face. The negative emotions associated with divorce, cause more than hurt feelings; they can impact on the final outcome of settlement negotiations or court litigation, how children are affected by their parents’ divorce, and how the divorced couple relate and co-parent into the future.

On top of being a time of deep emotional turmoil, divorce is a legal and even a business transaction. The ultimate challenge of divorce is learning how best to deal with both the legal and emotional issues that arise at a time when many are least able to deal with them objectively.

In recent months, psychotherapist family consultant Christopher Mills and I have been working on bringing together the legal and emotional aspects of divorce. By combining our different professional perspectives and years of experience working in Bath in the fields of family law and family therapy, Christopher Mills and I are now able to help clients understand that the emotional and legal aspects of divorce are part of the same package, have a direct influence on each other and are best managed together.

Together we have created a team approach to offer a unique joint divorce service in Bath. It will help separating and divorcing clients

• Gain perspective on their legal options early on
• Make better informed decision
• Understand and meet their children’s best interests
• Improve the efficiency of the separation and divorce process
• Enable family members to move forward positively with the rest of their lives.

To learn more about this new divorce service contact Richard Sharp (m: 07798 606740 t: 01225 870336 e: richard@sharpfamilylaw.com, website: www.sharpfamilylaw.com ) or Christopher Mills (m: 07812 364070 t: 01225 445237 e: cm@chrismills.uk.com, website www.chrismills.uk.com ) – The office is located at 3, Miles’s Buildings, George Street, Bath, BA1 2QS, UK

It Takes Two - To Get Co-parenting after Divorce

Richard Sharp — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:01:08 +0000

After trying to make a 12 year marriage work that included attending sessions at Relate and individual counselling, Liz realised it was a lost cause and wanted a divorce. With that she also wanted her husband to remain a big part of their children’s lives and hoped that they could become good co-parents in the future. But Liz wasn’t confident that that would happen. She feared that her husband wouldn’t be able to see anything positively and was very worried that his anger with her over the divorce would affect his on-going relationship with their children.

Liz had done her research reading articles, blog posts, searching the net, buying books, talking to professionals and had looked at conflict resolution options including mediation and collaborative practice. She had learnt that conflict was the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for the children. She got it that it was about them and not about her or her husband.

Unfortunately, all too often one side “gets it” and other parent can’t or won’t bring themselves to take the fight out of the conflict and truly focus on what is best for their children. A common theme, both in marriage and divorce, is that “It takes two.” It is no different when trying to end the acrimony and develop a post-separation co-parenting relationship that works.

That fear of how best to deal with the spouse who didn’t yet “get it” opened an opportunity for me to refer Liz to Chris Mills. Specialising in supporting divorcing and separating couples in Bath to understand and manage the complex emotional dynamics of their separation, Chris was able to hear the problems and challenges that Liz faced in dealing with her husband and then contact and invite her husband to tell things from his perspective. Chris then offered to assist with both Liz and her husband without representing either, to develop a parenting plan that worked for them both and their family.

Getting both parents engaged in the process of conflict resolution is no easy task. Often little thought is given to how the other parent is doing particular if they continue to make life miserable. But getting both to “get it" as soon as possible can make all the difference to how the separation and divorce impacts the children affected. My experience is that family consultants like Chris Mills accredited by Resolution to work from Bath in the specialised field of divorce and separation can help make that difference.

Grounds for Divorce - Time for a change!

Richard Sharp — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 22:22:14 +0000

In the U.S. State of Maryland, the court may currently grant an absolute divorce on the ground of adultery, desertion, insanity, cruelty of treatment, excessively vicious conduct, 2 year separation and voluntary separation for one year. Now Montgomery County Delegate Luiz Simmons wants to add to this list, couples who go a year without having sex. The argument being that forcing couples to live apart for a period places a challenging financial burden upon them “especially if both parties must live in places large enough to accommodate children”

If enacted, the change in the law would enable couples to remain under the same roof during the one year wait for a divorce provided throughout they abstained from sex with each other.

The argument that divorcing couples should not have to live apart beyond any short “cooling off” period before being granted a divorce is not restricted to those across the pond. Last week the Office of National Statistics published the latest figures (2008) on divorce rates in England & Wales. Amongst the findings was that behaviour yet again was relied on the most to prove that a marriage had broken down irretrievably (the single ground for a divorce in England & Wales).

With adultery being the next common factor relied on, the majority of those wanting a divorce decided in 2008 to place the blame for the breakup of their marriage on their spouse. This they did by filing a petition or application for divorce based on allegations of unreasonable behaviour or adultery to prove the irretrievable break down of the marriage rather than wait at least two years to secure a divorce.

Not a new revelation but one that has again encouraged family law practitioners to call for reform to the current divorce law. Resolution is backing a system that would enable couples to divorce within a matter of months, without the need to attribute blame.

It has been argued that a two year cooling off period (in the absence of fault) protects the institution of marriage from quickie divorces or the easy divorce from couples who have merely drifted apart. But as divorcees will know, there is nothing easy about divorce. It is hard work and frequently an extremely demanding and painful experience riddled with complications way beyond the reason for the marriage break down.

As I work with separating and divorcing clients who frequently just want to maintain their self respect and dignity, secure a fair financial settlement, do what is best for their children in the circumstances, amicably resolve differences with their partner and move on with their lives, a divorce process that is fault based can be unnecessarily confrontational and out of step with the direction clients are moving towards. The time for a change has come.

Better Marriage Counselling Contributing to Fall in UK Divorce Rates

Richard Sharp — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 16:15:20 +0000

Daily Mail Newspaper began January 2010 with “Divorce Day heralds rising toll of marital strife in 2010” as a headline on the 4^th January 2010, quoting the website divorce-online.co.uk as saying that the general divorce rate would rise by 2% in 2010 with the recession taking most of the blame. It has ended the month with the headline “Divorce rate falls to 35 year low” on 29^th January 2010.

Confused? More couples do traditionally decide to divorce in the UK during the month of January than during any other month in the year, but the latest figures, published by the Office for National Statistics during the past week, show that fewer couples ended their marriages in 2008 than in any year since the divorce boom of the 1970’s.

Will 2010 be the year that bucks the falling divorce rate trend of recent years as divorce-online.co.uk predicts?. Will divorce levels rise in 2010 as a result of the strains and stresses added to marriages by the recession?. Much may depend on the relationship support that is available and offered to help couples work through their issues and decide whether staying together is an option to be explored.

In their recent article Divorce rate lowest for 29 years, the BBC quote Claire Tyler, chief executive of Relate as saying "Relationship support works, with 80% of respondents to a Relate survey, who wanted to keep their relationship together, stating they felt counselling helped to strengthen their relationship. Independent research also showed we know that 50% of separated people said they felt there were things they could have done to prevent their break-up, and they wished they'd done more."

Recently, I was approached by a Bath couple who wanted my help with the issues surrounding what they thought was their pending separation. They were anxious to find a non-contentious process as they feared a fall out between them would adversely affect their 3 year old son. That fear of how best to co- parent after parting opened an opportunity to refer my client, the husband, to Chris Mills a family consultant based in Bath. Specializing in supporting divorcing and separating couples to understand and manage the complex emotional dynamics of their separation, Chris was able to help the husband look at his situation and relationship with his wife. A few days later I received the following email

“My wife and I are going to remortgage and stay in our home. It is thanks to your caring and knowledgeable service. I cannot thank you enough”

The wand that encourages marital reconciliation may not always be available nor work its magic but as the BBC reported in their article more marriages might be saved with with the involvement of th right professional. In the About Section of this blog are listed two mental health professionals who have been accredited by Resolution to work in the specialized field of divorce and separation.

Creative Solutions or Restrictive Divorce Court Orders

Richard Sharp — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 08:37:27 +0000

Amongst the 10 Bizarre Divorce Settlements Mental_Floss reminded us that to help foot the bill for his 1977 divorce from Anna Gordy, the singer Marvin Gaye agreed to record a new album and give all of the royalties to Gordy as maintenance.

Princess Diana lost the title “Her Royal Highness” when she and Prince Charles divorced in 1996 but amongst other things it was agreed that she retain Kensington Palace, her jewellery and the ability to entertain at st James’s Palace with the Queen’s permission.

The actor David Hasselhoff’s as part of his 2008 divorce settlement with ex-wife Pamela Bach, kept possession of the nickname “Hoff” and the catchphrase “Don’t Hassle the Hoff.”

Not only are the lives of the rich and famous complicated but so are many others that separate and divorce. Paul and Deborah’s marriage of 19 years ended in divorce last year. Before the settlement, Paul wanted to minimise the changes for the family. Deborah wanted to stay in the family home but was worried about the costs of keeping it going. Paul and Deborah agreed the family should stay in the home until the children finished their schooling and Paul would pay for any maintenance and repairs to it until then. When the house was sold, Paul’s maintenance expenses would be deducted from the proceeds.

The children got to continue their regular routine, Deborah didn’t have to budget for costly repair works and Paul will receive recognition for his financial support. Identifying what was most important to this couple was crucial. The court would not have been able to make such a mutually satisfactory arrangement without the cooperation of the couple.

Mark and Linda were married for 25 years. He had been the primary wage-earner, she the homemaker. Mark wanted to cut back on the hours he worked and freedom from potentially lifelong support payments. Linda wanted a settlement that reflected the sacrifices she had made to support Mark in his profession and raise their children. She also wanted his support whilst she re-trained.

Face to face negotiations helped to ease tensions between them as they both recognized and acknowledged the contributions that each had made to the marriage. By taking out loans, Mark made a lump sum payment to Linda that enabled her to return to school and train for her own career. He was pleased that she would shortly be able to support herself and relieved not to be making support payments at a time when he wanted to cut back on his hours. A court might have imposed spousal support payments that would have hindered Mark’s career change and impeded Linda’s ability to invest in her future.

Both Paul and Carol, and Mark and Linda were able to negotiate the divorce settlement that worked for them and their families by using the dispute resolution process called Collaborative Practice. It helps separating and divorcing couples:

• To think creatively and craft their own individualised solutions to their issues instead of the restricted range of outcomes available in the divorce court system.

• To use their intelligence and energy toward creative problem solving rather than toward recriminations or revenge – fixing the problem rather than fixing the blame.

• To keep control of decisions about restructuring financial and child rearing arrangements in their hands and not those of a Judge.

• To take control over what happens, how fast it happens, who is involved and ensures that those who are, including their solicitors, work only towards a mutually satisfactory settlement. Everyone has an input and brainstorming and creative ideas can emerge to resolve differences and issues.

Your divorce settlement may not need to be as bizarre as some highlighted by Mental Floss but no court will be better able than you to create and craft a settlement that works for your family.

Must Children Be in Two Places at Once This Christmas

Richard Sharp — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:33:57 +0000

"The contact schedule has it that our 3 year old son stays with me on a Tuesday and Thursday night. So he should be with me on the Thursday night in two weeks time. My Ex-partner insists he be with her - Why? Because, it will be Christmas Day that Friday morning. We both want him to wake up and open his presents in our separate homes!"

The dilemma over with whom children spend Christmas morning taxes all too often Judges at this time of year, as separated and divorced parents fight over the date in the divorce courts. The ensuing judgment leaves few contented, not least the unfortunate children, as wonderfully illustrated in the Dear Santa letter posted on Judith’s Divorce Blog

The Parents of the 3 year old son, worked out with their family lawyers through a Collaborative Practice dispute resolution process, that it was the joy of watching their son open his presents that they missed the most. So, they agreed to meet on Christmas Eve to open presents together. The contact schedule remained in place, and the child had both his parents with him as he opened presents.

The greatest gift you can give your child in 2010 and beyond is to love your children more than you hate your spouse and work cooperatively with the other parent to co-parent your children

They Started to Fight when the Money got Tight

Richard Sharp — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 19:18:05 +0000

The value of Sandy and Rob’s house had fallen in the recession. The prospect of acquiring one let alone two alternative homes was no longer possible. My client Rob (a fictional name) feared that, along with the broken marriage, he would lose his job and with it his mortgage capacity. Sandy hadn’t worked in ten years and the cost of child care worried her.

“They started to fight when the money got tight, and they just didn’t count on the tears”are lyrics from the song “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” by Billy Joel in his 1977 album “The Stranger”. But must it always end in tears? Must differences over scarce and limited financial resources be determined by divorce court room battles?

Not always. Sandy and Rob, along with other separating and divorcing couples are increasingly discovering that there are lawyers and other experts with specialist knowledge and experience of divorce, who offer less destructive dispute resolution processes. One such process is Collaborative Practice.

• It helps couples to create their own individualised solutions to their issues instead of the restricted range of outcomes available in the divorce court system.

• It encourages couples to use their intelligence and energy toward creative problem solving rather than toward recriminations or revenge – fixing the problem rather than fixing the blame.

• It keeps control of decisions about restructuring financial and child rearing arrangements in the hands of the couple and not the Judge.

• It places a premium on the welfare of children and protects them from the harm associated with litigated disputes between parents.

Sandy and Rob, in meetings with their collaborative family lawyers, worked through their fears and emerged with a divorce settlement that would work for them and their family. The collaborative professionals helped them to focus on settling their needs and interests, instead of pursuing their rights and entitlements. Choosing the right process in the beginning can save separating and divorcing couples time, money and tears in the long term.

Billy Joel continues his song “....they got a divorce as a matter of course and they parted the closest of friends”.That ideal may not always be possible but how a couple chooses to divorce can impact them and their children for years to come.

Let's Keep Christmas a Family Affair

Richard Sharp — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 16:36:49 +0000

“I share Christmas. So on Christmas Eve I am with my mum, then with my dad on Christmas Day. Then the other Christmas I go to my dad’s on Christmas Eve and then I spend Christmas Day with my mum. That is how we share it. And Grandma comes over” (Boy aged 8 years).

Christmas highlights to us all the emotional significance of “family”. We look to forge, renew or strengthen those ties that we value the most at this time of year. For the family of divorced parents, deciding where anyone will be and with whom over Christmas can be particularly difficult and challenging. The non residential or absent parent will often want more time with their children at Christmas than at other times of the year. The resident parent can want to maintain the old family traditions that retain the children with them. All too often, family solicitors and Divorce Courts are engaged at best to negotiate or mediate between parents and at worst to dictate to them where and when children will be, and with whom.

But does Christmas have to be a difficult time for a divorced family? Here are five suggests that may ease the tension

1. Do plan early – Plan the arrangements for the Christmas holiday as early as possible. Stress about it only increases the closer the day looms. If agreement cannot be reached, involve a mediator or a collaboratively trained family law solicitor, who focus on helping separated and divorced parents to find solutions that work for them and their families. Resort only to the Divorce Court as a last resort.

2. Do put your children first – The Christmas season is centred on children. So focus on them. Ask yourself what you can do to ensure the holidays are happy and productive for them. If old enough, talk to your children about the traditions they would like to continue and with whom - Finding a Christmas tree with dad or decorating the cake with mum.

3. Do share time with children over the Christmas period – Christmas is a time when families can focus on what unites rather than what divides them. Unless parents live miles apart, there is no reason why children cannot see and be with both parents over the Christmas holiday. See what you can work out, remembering always to do what is in the best interest of your children

4. Do let children remain in contact with both parents and their extended family – When it isn’t possible for one parent to see the children for whatever reason, do let them call that parent to say “Happy Christmas”. Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts etc are also an integral part of a child’s life and provide continuity and security in the face of the changed family structure.

5. Do be flexible – “Madonna let’s Guy see his boys...on terms” was the newspaper headline. The singer was reported to have issued a list of demands that Guy Ritchie must meet when their children were with him. Everyone loses when that happens and it’s the children who feel it the most. How Christmas is organised by divorced parents can provide children with some hope that their parents can and will be able to work things out during and for the rest of the year.

Thoughts of Christmas and divorce many not immediately stir feelings of peace and joy but Christmas is a time when family connections can be prioritised and its divisions relegated. By focusing on planning ahead, being flexible and putting children first, divorced parents can help children and themselves enjoy Christmas and have happy memories of it together.

Public Funds for Collaborative Law will help Courts become the Last Resort for more Divorcing Couples

Richard Sharp — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 20:23:29 +0000

"A Collaborative Family Law approach allows separating couples and their lawyers to sit down together to reach an agreement face to face in a much quicker, less traumatic process, that can provide a more satisfactory conclusion for all involved." so said Lord Bach, the justice minister in charge of legal aid, earlier this week.

The support from the Minister, for Collaborative Law, comes with the announcement from the Legal Services Commission (LSC) that it is to consult for the first time on whether legal aid funds should be made available to separating and divorcing clients who choose to use the collaborative law dispute resolution process.

In addition to the benefits voiced by the Minister, Collaborative Law is seen by him as a process that will help settle a divorce without going to court. "The breakdown of a family is an extremely distressing time for all involved, particularly children, which is why I am determined that courts should be the last resort. Sadly that is currently not the case, with only one in five legal aid clients experiencing a family dispute opting for the benefits that mediation can bring”.

It will still be 1st October 2010 before collaborative law is added to the range of process options funded by the LSC. But it would then give all families, whatever their financial means, access to the same range of dispute resolution options offered by family law solicitors, when faced with separation or divorce. With the extended range that is affordable to more couples, Lord Bach will be further towards ensuring that the divorce courts are the last resort for many more families working through divorce.

Divorcing Couples can Benefit from Collaborative Law, says Senior Judge

Richard Sharp — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 12:35:42 +0000

Collaborative Law is proving to be successful when used by divorcing couples said one of the UK’s most senior judges last week at a meeting of 200 of London's family lawyers (....yes including me)

Lord Kerr of Tonaghmore, a justice in the UK’s new Supreme Court, in giving his backing to collaborative law highlighted that:

"one of the most inspiring facts about it was that 85 per cent of couples who used the collaborative approach had been able to agree an amicable settlement. On any view no further testament to the success of the system is required” (statistics from family lawyers’ group, Resolution).

Lord Kerr went on to tell all of us present that he thought that the collaborative approach – recently used by comedian Robin Williams - was now having a profound impact on matrimonial law. As the Times Online reported, Lord Kerr explained that the essence of the new approach was conciliation, not “victory by one side over the other” or "the vindication of one viewpoint at the expense of an opponent's. Rather the fundamental purpose is to shape a solution to the problems experienced by the parties that not only resolves the immediate dispute, but which will endure to sustain a relationship after the parties have left the stage."

This goal was not just "an incidental side effect of civilised negotiations", he added. "It reflects its centrality to the entire process. It required more than civility and courtesy; it required the mindset that asks: how can we fashion an outcome that was best for all those affected, such as the children, in the dispute.”

Comprehensive information on Collaborative Law can be read on the website of The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP). In brief, Collaborative Law (sometimes called Collaborative Practice) helps separating and divorcing couples to resolve their differences respectfully, in private and without the threat of court action. The Collaborative process differs from a divorce Court process by retaining control of it with the divorcing couple and not with a judge.

The aim of a Collaborative process is to help separating and divorcing couples to:

- Focus on what are their most important issues, especially children;
- Communicate more effectively throughout the process;
- Lay the foundations for a healthier relationship during and after, the separation or divorce.

At the end of this coming week, some of those same family lawyers from London and other parts of the World (....yes including me) will be attending the 10th Annual Forum of The IACP in Minneapolis, USA.

As the legal profession learns to focus on settlement rather than trial and the Judiciary continues to back out of court processes like Collaborative Law, many more divorcing couples will be able to get through their divorce with their dignity intact, do what is best for their children, come up with fair financial settlements and move on with their lives.

How to Reduce the Effects of Divorce on Your Health?

Richard Sharp — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:18:03 +0000

Those amongst us who are divorced or widowed could suffer 20% more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than those who are married. This statistic comes from research published in the September 2009 issue of the Journal of Health & Social Behaviour.

The research of 8,652 men and women in their 50s and early 60s in the US, found that the physical stress of marital loss continues long after the emotional wounds have healed. While this does not mean that people should stay married at all costs, it does show that the soon to be and newly divorced need to be especially vigilant about stress management and exercise.

In my practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath and Bristol, UK, I witness the enormous stress clients suffer as their broken marriages come to an end. Aside from the many negative emotions surrounding the breakup like fear and anger that cause stress, there is the alternative accommodation that has to be found, the finances resources that must be stretched, the contact with friends and families that is strained or lost, and the disturbed sleep, poor diet and reduced exercise that creates the unhealthy lifestyle, all adding to stress levels. Divorce is one of the most intense stressors.

To try and reduce that stress, I encourage clients to consider choosing a non-adversarial approach to divorce, like Collaborative Practice or Family Mediation. Not only might that approach help them achieve reasoned settlements but it could be healthier for them, than a positional, adversarial Divorce Court hearing.

But away from the divorce court clients still need to be good to themselves by developing habits that reduce their stress. In her Nine Tips for Dealing with Divorce Stress Cathy Meyer relationship coach and divorce mediator suggests ways in which, during the process of divorce, stress can be handled. They include:

• Making sure you pay attention to your emotional needs
• Keeping yourself physically fit
• Participating in activities that will nurture you emotionally and physically
• Letting go of problems that are beyond your control
• Giving yourself permission to feel
• Charging your expectations
• Giving yourself time to make decisions
• Making time for fun
• And letting go

Her article Nine Tips for Taking Care of Yourself During and After Divorce also contains some useful information.

As the research above highlights a divorce can be bad for your health. But by taking care of oneself, by focusing on keeping active, healthy and moving forward and not stuck in the past, by choosing a process like collaborative practice that focuses on settlement and reduces conflict , it is possible to minimize the damaging effects of divorce and move on with life.

Offsetting the Value of a Pension on Divorce: Why & By How Much? - by guest blogger Miles Hendy

Richard Sharp — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 12:31:16 +0000

For many people facing divorce, the value of their pension fund may be their biggest asset. The most common way to factor the value of that fund into a divorce financial settlement is for the value of another asset held, such as cash or property, to be offset against the value of the pension fund.

However, It is common practice for the value of the pension fund to be reduced, but why and by how much?

Why the Value of a Pension fund is Reduced when Offsetting

An existing pension has already enjoyed tax relief on the contributions made into it. This means for example, that if Spouse A had a £10,000 pension and Spouse B had £6,000 in cash and was a higher rate (40%) tax payer, the £6,000 could be turned into a £10,000 pension fund through tax relief on the contribution. That would then equalise the value of the pension funds.

In addition, Spouse B with £6,000 in cash has the choice to use that money today whereas Spouse A must wait until retirement age before he has use of it and even then only 25% of the fund can be paid as a lump sum with the rest as an income for life; where the payment term is uncertain and where there is often no value on death.

One of the leading court cases on pension offsetting is Maskell v Maskell where Lord Justice Thorpe established that the value of pensions and the value of other liquid assets should not be compared on a like-for-like basis. The Judge directed Maskell and Maskell back to mediation to sort out the right value for offsetting rather than provide guidelines. As a result, it is not uncommon in a contested divorce for the lawyer acting on behalf of the spouse with the pension to argue, incorrectly in my opinion, that no value should be apportioned to pensions.

The Reduction Factor

In terms of how much should be offset, it seems that in practice values apportioned have ranged between 25% and 80% of the pension. So if one spouse holds £100,000 more in a pension fund than the other, the range of potential cash offset could be between £25,000 and £80,000. That’s quite some spread and not particularly helpful for divorcing couples.

Solutions to Potential Arguments over the Value of Pensions when Offsetting

This leads me to two points.

First, I was pleased to see that Bradshaw Dixon Moore, a firm specialising in actuarial reports for divorcing couples, announced on 30th September 2009 that they now have a Pension Offset Report service available. The report factors in both the tax issues and the importance of cash. They use actuarial principles and utility theory in reaching an adjusted value for the pension and the report can be used in Court. It costs £200 + VAT and for any party who feels very concerned about how the value of pension funds have been offset, this could be a useful solution.

Secondly, the variation in offsetting values highlights that there is great potential for a raging argument over how to fairly separate assets on divorce. If you are at the stage of wondering what type of divorce may suit you best, it is worth noting that one of the key attractions of a collaborative divorce is that both parties can work with a highly qualified and experienced Financial Neutral to work out how to split assets fairly and make a joint and informed decision on what value to apportion to pensions. A Financial Neutral can also help you decide whether pension offsetting is the best option, explaining the relative advantages and disadvantages of pension sharing for your circumstances.

Miles Hendy is a Chartered Financial Planner and Resolution accredited Divorce Specialist at Fraser Heath Financial Management.

Ten Tips to Help Minimise the Pain of Divorce on Children

Richard Sharp — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:56:46 +0000

The statistics are staggering. One quarter of children in the UK will be involved in their parent’s divorce during their childhood. Each year that involves between 80,000 and 150,000 children (aged under 16). One in four children affected by parental divorce is under five. (ONS/Social Trends).

The affect on children caught up in family relationship breakdown can be equally staggering. Children of divorce have been found to experience more depression, are more likely to be referred for psychological support, have more learning difficulties and problems getting along with peers, become sexually active earlier and produce more children outside marriage.

During my years of practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath, I have seen many mothers and fathers whose greatest concern was how a divorce would affect their children and who wanted direction on how to minimise that affect. What I have learnt is that it is the conflict between parents during and after divorce that does children the most harm.

You can benefit your children by working cooperatively with your child’s parent to minimize conflict between you and employing the following ten tips

1. Assure children that both parents love them. “I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.”

2. Only provide children with age appropriate information about what is happening in their family – in ways they can understand. "I want to know whether we are all going to be together for Christmas?"

3. Children need reassurance that what has happened is not their fault. “When you fight, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty”

4. Help children to maintain contact with both parents - and their wider family. “If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.”

5. Help to make transitions between both homes a positive experience so children can go easily between their two homes. “I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you.”

6. Communicate directly with your spouse and never ask children to be messengers. “Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth.”

7. Children do not want to take sides – don’t make them. “When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.”

8. Children need their parents to make decisions. “Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mum and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.”

9. Children can cope with short-term disruption – as long as parents continue to support them?

10. And finally …..Conflict is the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for children.

“Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me”.

The quotes are from “Helping Children Understand Divorce” produced by the University of Missouri, USA