Family Law Collaborative Divorce Blog

Minimising the Destruction of Divorce for Children -

Richard Sharp — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 16:39:01 +0000

Effective Co-Parenting Tips

Co-parenting is often viewed as the most difficult aspect of a divorce or separation. Particularly, if there are still some emotional hurdles to overcome. However, if approached in the right way it can be the most rewarding part of your on-going relationship as parents – after all just because the relationship has broken down it doesn’t mean the family has to also.

As a family solicitor in Bath and Bristol, many of the men and women I see want advice as to how they might address co-parenting issues that inevitably crop up. As the children strive to get used to living in 2 households, their development can be greatly enhanced by following a few golden rules.

Be respectful toward the other parent:

In the children’s eyes you are still their parents whom they love dearly. Don’t let what negative or critical views you might have about the other parent be picked up by them. Instead keep referring to the other as mum and/or dad, it will make the children feel safe and still part of the family.

Don’t talk about anything that might lead to an argument with the children present:

There will be times when you have a difference of opinion. Don’t address these in front of the children. They are already having to get used to mum and dad not being together anymore. Let them remain children and keep the adult talk behind closed doors.

Don’t talk to the other parent through the children

If you need to make alternative arrangements for contact or there is something else you need to say, contact the other parent directly. It’s not the children’s responsibility to be the messenger.

Be flexible and willing to compromise

Not everything in life can go according to plan. Things may crop up when you need to alter arrangements or you will be asked to accommodate a change to schedule. Talk to the other parent about how best to deal with it and accept it. The children are having to learn to be flexible, so should you.

Turn up to events like plays, sports days, graduations together

Show your children that you are still their mum and dad by putting on that united front. They will appreciate being able to share the experience with both of their parents rather than feeling guilty one is not there.

Always put the children first…

As parents you will share an abiding love and concern for your children. Provided you keep their best interest in mind you should both be able to focus on how best to achieve certain objectives as a family despite being in separate households.

For your free copy of the book “The Truth About Children and Divorce” by Robert E. Emery contact Clare Webb at Sharp Family Law on 01225 448 955 or by email on clare@sharpfamilylaw.com

"Christmas Eve with Dad? Christmas Day with Mum?"

Richard Sharp — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:43:09 +0000

Standing in line at a supermarket checkout in Bath the other day, I overheard two teenage sisters and a friend discuss Christmas. It wasn’t a conversation filled with joy or excitement about the forthcoming festivities but on where and with whom they would be this Christmas holiday.

“Maybe we should do Christmas Eve with Dad then go up to Mum’s Christmas Day. That way it would be one day each” suggested one sister to the other. “Ok let’s not talk family stuff right now” was the frustrated response.

As Constance Ahrons in her book “We’re still family” reminds us, as children get older, they want and need flexibility in their living arrangements. They want to have their needs considered more by their parents and be able to transition between households on their schedules, not their parents. Often they are far less concerned about the specific number of days per week they spend being with one parent or another and more on how their parents relationship will affect the emotional climate during the transitional period between parental households.

These wants and concerns can be particularly evident at family events like Christmas which can sometimes turn a dream into a nightmare. As someone once told me – “what really upset me was how my parents kept fighting about whether I spent more time with one of them than the other. It made me feel that what matter to them was who won that fight not the time with me.”

This Christmas, let’s

· Put our children first – The Christmas season is centred on children. So focus on them. Ask what you can do to ensure the holidays are happy and productive for them.

· Share time with children over the Christmas period – Christmas is a time when families can focus on what unites rather than what divides them. Unless parents live miles apart, there is no reason why children cannot see and be with both parents over the Christmas holiday if that is what they want.

· Help children remain in contact with both parents and extended family – A simple telephone call to say “Happy Christmas” to the other parent maybe all that is needed. Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts etc are also an integral part of a child’s life.

Perhaps the greatest gift you can give your child this Christmas and beyond is to love your children more than you hate your (ex) spouse and work cooperatively with that person to co-parent your children

"In Remembrance of ... Families in Bath & Bristol"

Richard Sharp — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:41:36 +0000

Remembrance Sunday events were held today all over the country to honour the UK's war dead. For some, with past or present personal experience of lost friends or colleagues, it will have been particularly poignant. Outside Bath Abbey, the personal message on a wooded cross placed in the grass, reminded me that the death of a loved one can affect a family for years.

Divorce can feel like a death. The death of promises given, death of a familiar way of life, death of a parental role, death of a friendship and friends and for some even death of the family. But does divorce have to be like this? What might help to keep the family alive and minimise the impact on the current and future families?

In my work as a specialist family lawyer in Bath and Bristol, I see and help separating and divorcing couples who are able to end their marriage and maintain their family. How they achieve that was in part explained by a client during the past week. He wrote -

“My children are getting settled in to their new life, and when I see them we have good times. I'm sure that part of this is because my wife and I are still able to work together in their best interests. I now recognise that the legal process has a huge role to play in limiting and not escalating the damage that has already occurred in the relationship between ex-husbands and wives, and consequently has a huge bearing on the lives of any children. And I think that your approach, in this regard, was exemplary. So on behalf of my own children - thank you "

There may not be an alternative to divorce but the way you divorce and react to it may be your choice. By exercising that choice, families can and do survive divorce

"Helpful Information could Save Tax on Divorce"

Richard Sharp — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 20:58:01 +0000

An inheritance had enabled Karen and Mike to buy a second home – a weekend apartment in Bath. It proved to be a perfect bolt hole for Mike to spend some time after Karen announced she wanted to end their 20 year marriage. But when divorce proceedings were begun a year or more later, both were shocked to discover that special rules could result in a capital gains tax payment arising on the transfer of the apartment.

Karen and Mike are among a growing number of divorcing couples who have been in long term marriages (increasingly know as Grey Divorces), that I have seen in the course of my practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath and Bristol. They have either brought more than one property into their marriage, or simply bought additional properties during the course of their marriage. Consequently, the number of properties the divorcing couple own can consist of more than just the matrimonial home.

Dividing these properties up as part of financial settlement may involve the divorcing couple transferring their interest in a property to one another or, alternatively, selling it. The disposal can result in Capital Gains Tax arising.

On their Website and in a Helpsheet, HM Customs and Revenue offer a useful introduction to the situation where there is a need to transfer assets between a separated couple. They explain that it depends on when the transfer takes place and requires the compilation of information about each property to include (but not limited to) the original purchase price and date, any subsequent expenditure, and whether any of the parties lived or elected that property to be their principal primary residence.

Paul Benney, Tax Partner at Haines Watts Forensics Team has helpfully put a Sheet together to assist in compiling the necessary information that you may need to acquire. He and his team are also happy to undertake CGT calculations or to check calculations you have put together. In some situations they are also willing to offer initial advice free of charge.

In their divorce proceedings, Karen and Mike adopted the dispute resolution process known as Collaborative Law Practice. By doing so they were able at a face to face meeting between them, myself and another collaborative family solicitor, to discuss how best to secure the necessary tax advice from someone like Paul Benney and then to use it to limit the negative impact that the tax might otherwise have had on their settlement.

"Divorce can Stretch Waistlines as well as Finite Resources"

Richard Sharp — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 16:15:01 +0000

BBC News reports today that both marriage and divorce can trigger weight gain. This is the finding of research being presented at the American Sociological Association. Their study of 10,071 people from 1986 to 2008 showed that there is an increased risk of piling on the pounds in the two years after a marriage starts or ends.

Newly-divorced women and men had between 21% and 22% increased risk of a small weight gain after divorce. The report concludes: "All marital transitions act as a weight shock, encouraging small weight gains regardless of the destination marital state."

In my practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath and Bristol, UK, I witness clients, going through the significant transitions brought about by divorce, including stressing over having to find alternative accommodation, stretching finite finances resources, and strained contact with friends and families. Divorce is one of the most intense stressors and it can lead to disturbed sleep, reduced exercise and poor diet

To try and reduce those personal, financial and legal stresses, I encourage clients to consider choosing a non-adversarial approach to divorce, like Collaborative Practice or Family Mediation. Not only might that approach help them achieve reasoned settlements but it could be healthier for them, than a positional, adversarial Divorce Court hearing.

But away from the Divorce Court clients still need to be good to themselves. In her article Nine Tips for Taking Care of Yourself During and After Divorce, Cathy Meyer relationship coach and divorce mediator encourages clients to see their doctor regularly, take vitamins, get regular exercise and plenty of sleep, let off steam, change the scenery, practice good hygiene as well as eating a good diet. All perhaps obvious actions but quickly and easily forgotten or ignored in times of significant life transitions.

As the research above highlights a divorce can stretch waistlines. But by taking care of oneself, by focusing on keeping active and healthy, by choosing a constructive process like collaborative practice that focuses on settlement and reduces conflict, it is possible to minimise the damaging effects of divorce and move on with life without too many extra pounds.

Helping Families Out in Bath & Bristol

Richard Sharp — Sun, 15 May 2011 19:45:03 +0000

I am excited to be able to announce the expansion of our professional services to clients in Bath and Bristol.

Clare Webb, a specialist family lawyer, has joined the Firm. She will advise and assist those going through the changes brought about by family and relationship breakdowns.

She shares with me the commitment to help clients reach an early resolution of issues and avoid the prolonged conflict of court proceedings.

Clare’s puts great emphasis on providing an exceptional, individually tailored and client-focused service to those experiencing one of the most difficult and emotional times in their lives. Clare believes it is integral that her client feels in control and yet supported by a lawyer who will respect them, listen to what they say and act in their best interest. Above all Clare wants her clients to come out of the process with their heads held high and with a result, both personal and financial, that they and their family as a whole can accept and live with.

To contact Clare email her at clare@sharpfamilylaw.com or telephone her on 01225 448955

The Royal Wedding: Did they or didn't they sign a Prenup?

Richard Sharp — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 15:46:48 +0000

As Prince William and Princess Kate bask in the early days of marital bliss we can only wonder what preparatory work was carried out in the run up to what was undoubtedly the wedding of the year if not the decade.

From a specialist family lawyer’s point of view, one can only assume that, at some stage, William and Kate must have considered whether they should enter into a prenuptial agreement. After all, Kate is a 'commoner' marrying into Royalty and the Royals are no strangers to marital breakdowns.

What is a prenup?

A prenuptial agreement is a formal written agreement entered into by an engaged couple prior to their marriage. It commonly records what should happen to the financial affairs of the couple should the marriage breakdown irretrievably.

Are prenups enforceable?

Until recently, under the law of England and Wales, prenups have not been recognised as being enforceable in the courts. However, a year ago, in March 2010, the Supreme Court made a ruling which changed how prenups would be treated.

The landmark court case involved a German heiress, Ms Radmacher and Mr Granatino, a French banker, prior to their marriage in 1998 they entered into a prenuptial agreement. When their marriage broke down in 2006, and divorce proceedings were instigated, Granatino attempted to go behind the financial agreement detailed in the prenup insisting that he was entitled to more than the financial share he had originally agreed to.

By a majority of eight to one, the Supreme Court justices concluded that in the right case such agreements can have decisive or compelling weight and that "it will be natural to infer that parties entering into agreements will intend that effect be given to them".

Who might benefit from a prenup?

Radmacher and Granatino involved a substantial fortune. Prince William is a future King of England and possible heir to the Queen's estate which, according to The Times Rich List 2011, is worth over £300 million. So are prenups only for the rich and famous.

At Sharp Family Law we see prenups being particularly useful to families wanting to pass wealth down the generations. Potential gifts or inheritance received during the marriage can be ring-fenced. Prenups can also be highly appropriate in second marriages where wealth accrued prior to the marriage can be protected.

From our offices in Bristol and Bath, our aim is to limit where possible the negative impact that marital disputes issues can have upon a family. We see clients contemplating marriage for a second time anxious not to repeat the trauma of divorce and financial separation. By entering into a prenuptial agreement, they may be able to protect their future financial wellbeing as well as their children’s inheritance.

When should a prenup be entered into?

Care must be taken not to leave preparation of prenuptial agreements to the last minute. Instead, a couple must ensure that they each receive independent legal advice in good time before the wedding. If left too late then one side could argue that they suffered emotional pressure to enter into the agreement.

Of course there are those who remain sceptical of prenuptial agreements claiming that they take the romance out of what should be an entirely romantic experience and perhaps they are right; prenups are not for everyone. However those who have an eye on the ‘bigger picture’ and who want to avoid prolonged conflict for the family if their marriage should breakdown may wish to consider a prenup. For further information on prenups contact Clare Webb at Sharp Family Law clare@sharpfamilylaw.com

"New Year Resolution - To Resolve Conflict with Your Ex Spouse"

Richard Sharp — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 16:41:58 +0000

‘Tis the time for New Year’s resolutions. Our perennial attempt to lose weight, pay off debt, quit smoking, become organised and spend less time at work.

For divorcing and divorced couples, one of the best New Year resolutions you can make is to resolve conflict with your ex-spouse or partner. Dealing with a difficult ex can be very discouraging, frustrating and defeating. Your efforts to minimise conflict may not be returned. Attempts to foster a working relationship with the ex, for “the sake of the children”, may prove a thankless task.

“..the rewards for you ...and your children can be significant”

But the rewards for you and in particular your relationship with your children can be significant. What parents do during and after a separation or divorce – how they parent, how they handle their emotions, how they relate to each other and work together – is the key to their children’s resilience in coping with their parent’s separation or divorce. Research has shown that it is not the divorce but the way you divorce that impacts children

The following five tips may help you to minimise if not resolve that conflict with your ex.

1. Try and respect your ex-spouse/partner and his/her household - find ways of being respectful rather than resentful. Do not personally criticize them, but don’t make excuses for their behavior either.

2. Do not allow financial issues to control your behavior – Live with the agreement reached or the order handed down by a Judge that has addressed financial arrangements. Do not let your attitude towards it, after the fact, taint your relationship with your ex or your children. If you came to an agreement with your ex, live up to that agreement. If you have a court order, follow that order. No amount of anger over financial issues is worth contaminating your relationship with your ex or your children.

3. Work at forgiving - Hurt feelings from the past is the number one reason you and your ex overreact with one another. Do your part by striving to forgive for the offenses of the past and present. This will help you manage your emotions when dealing with your ex in the present. It also helps cut down on the degree of stress you will have during and after the divorce.

4. Find Common Ground - This good business principle applies to parenting as well. Even if you disagree with the main point, find some common ground and work from there. Be willing to see the situation from your ex’s perspective and to give a little instead of taking much. You may no longer be married but the concept of give and take is still very important.

5. Put your children first - You may find it hard to even be around your ex but making the needs of your children your main priority will help establish the kind of relationship that benefits them. And parents who manage to put their children first will minimise the effect of separation and divorce on their children.

Therefore, resolve not to argue in front of children, use them as a sounding board, bad-mouth to them about the other parent, or make them in any way part of the divorce. Resolve to do what it takes to improve the quality of your parenting relationship by communicating and interacting as best as you can with your ex.

And if there is ongoing conflict, be sure to notice your own role in it. Effort on your part to build a new and productive relationship with your ex will help all involved in the healing process and to move forward with their lives.

"Walk Away into Conflict - Collaborative Law offers an Alternative"

Richard Sharp — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 20:32:56 +0000

Walking away from an argument can be a warning sign of divorce.

This is the finding of researchers at the University of Michigan after evaluating how 373 couples resolved conflicts.After 16 years, 48% of the couples had split – and a strong predictor of divorce was the tendency of one partner to withdraw during an argument while the other tried to discuss the situation even calmly. Study author Kira Birditt Ph.D. is stated in Men’s Health to have said that leaving the scene can be viewed by the other person as a lack of investment in the relationship, not as a way to cool down.

Unless checked, the communication gap that led to a failed marriage can also lead to a litigious divorce.

Rarely as a specialist family law solicitor in Bath and Bristol have I seen a litigation process help parties communicate better. Nor have I seen it encourage settlement discussions between them until late in the day and often only at the door of the court. Even then communication and negotiation are invariably undertaken out of fear of the pending courtroom showdown or the uncertain judgment outcome.

There is virtually nothing about most litigation processes that help parties feel remotely relaxed and safe, nor wanting to get together to create a problem solving environment. Instead the adversarial attitude and mentality polarizes parties making settlement more difficult to achieve.

A goal of the Collaborative Divorce process is to create an environment in which couples can feel comfortable remaining together within it, able to communicate all issues between them, and reach solutions that work for them. It does this by:

Encouraging participants to commit to civil, respectful and constructive communications. Just having them stated in the process helps defuse past and present emotions.
Focusing solely on settlement from the outset. The collaborative divorce process helps parties increase the chances that they will reach that settlement
Involving communication facilitators, including divorce coaches and family consultants. The support provided by them can often help avoid or overcome impasses and help redirect conflict away from the individual and at the problem to be resolved

The Collaborative Divorce process is not appropriate for all divorcing couples and certainly will not guarantee better communication between them thereafter. However, for couples who have had difficulty communicating during the marriage and want to avoid prolonged conflict thereafter the Collaborative Divorce can provide a less destructive process.

"Christmas Actually"

Richard Sharp — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 23:12:36 +0000

Screens will be filled once again this Christmas with stories of love in all its various guises and on a multitude of levels. The 2003 Christmas film “Love Actually” followed eight very different couples as they dealt with their love lives in various loosely and interrelated tales all set during a frantic month before Christmas in London.

The film argued quite rightly that there is a great deal of love in our world including Bath, London and Wisconsin. But the film also reminded us that not everyone gets a Merry Christmas. A single present plucked from under the tree changes a life forever. A wedding video that shows only close-ups of the bride’s face reveals a hopeless passion.

A few years ago RELATE the relationship people, commissioned a NOP survey that revealed that Britons value their relationships above all else at Christmas. Yet, the experience of many family lawyers is an increase in calls for advice and assistance in connection with broken relationships during January and beyond – after the season of goodwill, when many hopes of togetherness and fulfillment have been dashed.

The same NOP survey claimed that 73% of us rate “spending time with family and loved ones” as the most important aspect of the Christmas holiday. But, the closeness we hope for does not just appear under the tree on Christmas Day. Our good intentions of talking more and spending time together often get pushed aside by the stresses and strains that is the modern Christmas.

The NOP survey found that Britons nationwide find “buying the right present” the most difficult Christmas task, with 59% saying they found it stressful. Other Christmas time stress induces were “spending too much money” – 54% with 39% of the population getting stressed about “not being able to spend enough time with family”. Worrying about buying the right present seems to be more of a problem for women, then men and spending too much money is again a female and young person’s thing. Other issues cited as causes of stress during Christmas were “people drinking too much”, “too much cooking and cleaning”, “children’s demands for expensive presents” and “having the in-laws to dinner or stay”.

Therefore, now is perhaps the time to prepare for Christmas by considering for a moment what we want our relationships to be. Talking it over with the people we love, exploring hopes and expectations, looking at what works and what doesn’t. In addition to buying the turkey, decorating the Christmas tree and wrapping the presents, think about

What your family might want to get out of Christmas this year,
Recognise how each member of your family is changing and discuss and plan how you all want to spend Christmas together.
Talk about how the time will be spent, make an effort to understand the position of others.
Talk realistically and well in advance of Christmas about spending.
If someone has planned a surprise for you, appreciate the effort and thought behind it.

The aging rock star in Love Actually recognised in time for Christmas the value of the relationship that he had and the importance of expressing Love. All personal relationships need to be worked at especially at Christmas.

"Guidance for Parents - from the Family Courts on Helping Your Children"

Richard Sharp — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 10:10:04 +0000

During my years of practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath and Bristol, I have seen many parents whose greatest concern was how a divorce would affect their children and who wanted direction on how to minimise that affect.

Christina McGhee, internationally acclaimed divorce coach and parent educator writes – “Divorce does not doom children to years of emotional problems or lifelong dysfunction. Exposure to constant parental conflict and unhealthy family situations, however, can significantly impact children's lives in a negative way.”

Family Courts in Bath, Bristol and elsewhere in the South West of England are busy determining parental conflict and unhealthy family situations. They daily see the significant and negative impact on children's brought about by their parents.

The following guidance, recently issued on behalf of all Family Judges and Family Magistrates who conduct family proceedings in the South West of England, is designed to help minimise that impact by giving parents direction on how they can help their children

Your children need to:

Have explained to them by you calmly and fairly what is happening to their family so that they understand what is happening
Know that they are not being separated from either of you and that you will encourage each other to have a loving and open relationship with them
Be able to show love, affection and respect for both of you without being torn between you

Your children need your help by:

Listening to what they have to say or how they feel about your separation and about any arrangements which you are making or have made.
Talking to the other parent openly, honestly and respectfully.
Drawing up a plan as to how you will sort out arrangements and share responsibility for them.
Not talking about difficult issues concerning them in front of them.

Your children should never:

Blame themselves for the breakup of your relationship with each other.
Hear you criticise each other or anyone else involved.
Be turned against the other parent because they think that is what you want

"Guidance for Parents - who are or may Become Involved in the Family Courts"

Richard Sharp — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 22:03:17 +0000

Prepared by His Honour Judge Coleridge, issued on behalf of all Family Judges and Family Magistrates who conduct family proceedings in the South West of England and promoted by District Judge Goddard of the Bath County Court is the following: 'Guidance for Parents' .

The guidance is designed to help parents reach decisions about what is best for their children and to explain to parents what Family Courts expect from them.

It is hoped that the guidance will be passed to and considered by all parents prior to making an application to the Family Court in Bath and elsewhere.

The court wants you to consider these things first:

As a parent you share responsibility for your children.
You have a responsibility to talk to each other and make every effort to agree how you will bring them up
Even when you separate this responsibility continues.
Experience suggests that where parents agree things about their children this works better than court orders. So try to agree arrangements for your children.
If you find talking to each other difficult ask for help. Trained mediators can help you talk to each other to find solutions, even when things are hard. You can ring the Ministry of Justice Family Mediation helpline on 0845 6026 627 or visit the website at www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk for information or the court staff will give you details.
If you have tried to agree but cannot, you can ask the court to decide what should happen.
The court will make its decision based on what is in the best interests of the children.
If a court order is made you must do what it says even if you do not agree with it. If you want to do something different you can agree to do so but if you cannot agree you will need to apply to court so that the court can consider making a different order.

The court expects you to make decisions based on what is best for your children so:

Encourage your child to have a good relationship with both of you.
Arrange for your children to spend time with each of you.
Try to have a reasonable relationship with each other as parents of your children

The court expects you to do what is best for your children even if it is difficult or not what you want:

The law says that children have a right to a relationship and regular contact with each parent unless it is not in the children’s best interests. Usually contact will be frequent and meaningful for the child and the parent
It is extremely rare for a court to order no contact but a court may restrict or deny contact if it considers that a child’s physical safety or emotional health is at risk.
Stopping contact because for instance you feel you are not getting enough money from the other parent to look after the child is not a good reason to stop contact.

"How could a Divorced Non-Resident Parent be more involved in a Child's life?"

Richard Sharp — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 20:49:46 +0000

An absent father of a six year old child wrote to me recently - “I want to be involved as much as possible in my son’s life. I’m happy to provide what support to his Mum as I’m able within the constraints imposed by my work and the realities of living somewhere different”

But as the “every other weekend and a two week summer holiday contact” formula with his son was what he feared would be his lot, his “involvement as much as possible” was translated into a demand that his son do spend 50% of his time with him. A demand driven by emotion - and not by what was either practical or necessarily best for anyone, including the son.

The reality is that only a relatively small number of parents can manage an equal time arrangement. It requires proximity to and a co-parenting relationship with the other parent, a flexible work schedule, and two households able to accommodate children.

In my practice as a family and divorce solicitor in Bath and Bristol, in contrast to the disappearing parent (frequently the father) of yesteryear, I am seeing an increasing number of separated and divorced fathers wanting to spend more time with their children. An encouraging sign as the majority of children consistently report in studies that they too would like more involvement from their non-resident parent (again frequently the father).

But, is it not the “Quality” rather than the “Quantity” that the involvement should be about?

As research has found, how often fathers see children is less important than what fathers do when they are with their children. Paul Amato & Joan Gilbreth found in “Non-resident Fathers and Children’s Wellbeing: a Meta-analysis” that authoritative parenting and emotional closeness made more of a difference.

Authoritative parenting includes: helping with homework, talking about problems, providing emotional support to children, praising children’s accomplishments and disciplining their misbehaviour.

Family Courts in England & Wales are busy determining quantity of contact - when and where children do spend time with their non-resident parent - without often being able to tackle how the contact time should be spent. By focusing on the interests of the whole family and having the opportunity to involve Child Specialists and Family Consultants/Divorce Coaches, out of court dispute resolution processes like Family Mediation and Collaborative Law do help separating and divorcing parents shape contact schedules that address both the quantity and the quality of contact.

A divorced parent, who after working through a Collaborative Law process recently wrote the following to me - “The kids have settled into the new routine of life. Overall they seem happy and well adjusted. My ex and I remain flexible with our childcare arrangements”.

It maybe aspirational to think that disputes over the contact between a non-resident parent and child will always be resolved this well. However, if more divorcing parents could be encouraged to concentrate on continuing to be authoritative and loving parents and less on fighting each other over time slots with their children, then perhaps they would achieve the result they want and end up being more involved in their children’s lives.

"How can You Manage the Cost of Your Divorce? - Three Steps to Ease the Burden"

Richard Sharp — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 17:09:39 +0000

As 140,000 or so married couples in England & Wales discover every year, breaking up is hard to do. With the average cost of a litigious divorce being put at £28,000, it can also be financially crippling. Fortunately, few need pay the multi-million pound legal bills and settlements that the media tells us about when the likes of Sir Paul McCartney and other celebs divorce. But dissolving any marriage frequently comes with steep financial costs.

Recent research by Norwich Union (now Aviva) revealed that failed marriages cost the nation a massive £4.3 billion - with almost two-thirds (£2.5 billion) being funded by the personal savings of divorcing couples.

However, there are steps that can be taken to ease the financial burden of breaking up.

First, manage your expectations of the law by focusing on settlement

An estimated 90% of divorce cases are settled without a final court hearing. And there is a good reason for that. One of the most costly illusions in divorce is that the court will take care of you. A wise and kindly Judge will right wrongs. But Justice is not an absolute, Judges are not all powerful. Judge’s decisions are rarely a win-win for both spouses. Instead, you are the one who can make the best decisions in your divorce.

Try and resist the impulse to have “your day in court” be the focus of your divorce. Instead, seek to work with your solicitor and your spouse towards a settlement without involving the courts. By first looking at your mutual interests, like your children, you might find you agree on more than you think. Sharp Family Law and other Family Law solicitors that I work with in Bath and Bristol have specialised knowledge on how to promote settlement out of court including family mediation and collaborative law. These settlements options provide affordable and high value outcomes for you and your family.

Most divorces are settled out of court. Don’t expect “your day in court” to be the solution for your future. Your future can be in your hands – not the courts

Second, manage your emotions by focusing on what is most important

Divorce is riddled with potential legal and financial complications. But how you let your emotions affect those complications can impact significantly on the overall cost of your divorce. You can help reduce them by having clear objectives from the outset. Discuss with your Family Law solicitor what you hope to accomplish, what results you can expect and what the costs might be. Have your goals top of mind at all time.

Divorce is an extremely demanding and painful experience. Emotions run high and the desire to vent feelings is strong. But don’t be tempted to use your solicitor as a sounding board for your complaints. Time spent in emotional communications with your divorce solicitor could impact the cost of your divorce. I try and help clients manage the emotions of divorce by working with Bath and Bristol based divorce coaches, counsellors and family therapists.

Have clear objectives and focus on what is and will be important to you and your family.

Third, manage your finances by having a plan

In addition to being a time of deep emotional distress, divorce is a business transaction. Try and think about it as a business deal. Get to know your financial situation. You will need to know what are your financial assets and debts, your monthly income and outgoings and any financial commitments. Make sure you have the papers about them. Be clear with your Family Law solicitor what he/she needs from you.

I work with financial advisors in and around Bath, who are recognised as specialists in handling the complex financial issues that face divorcing couples. These professionals help clients make informed decisions about their financial future.

Keep your emotions as far as possible from the financial and legal decision making processes.

And finally, every divorce involves three intertwined components – Legal, emotional and financial. How you manage all three, will determine the cost of your divorce.

"How can you have an Amicable Divorce - Whilst blaming your spouse for the breakup?"

Richard Sharp — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 13:48:50 +0000

Pop singer, Cheryl Cole’s divorce from her England football husband Ashley was finalised last week. Earlier this summer, National Newspapers reported that it would be “clean, swift, amicable and smooth”. And yet the divorce papers filed on her behalf were said to cite the reason for the breakup of the marriage as being Ashley Cole's "unreasonable behaviour".

If Cheryl truly wanted an amicable and smooth divorce, Ashley may have wondered why irreconcilable differences or the like wasn’t cited as the reason for the divorce. Few like to be accused of behaving so badly that their partner cannot ‘reasonably’ be expected to live with them.

Divorce in England & Wales is based on a marriage having "broken down irretrievably”

Every so often, at my family law practice in Bath & Bristol, I am approached by clients who say they want a divorce based on "irreconcilable differences". They are in an unhappy marriage and just want to bring it to an end. I explain that it is not possible to obtain a divorce based on "irreconcilable differences" in the divorce courts of England and Wales.

Divorce in England & Wales is based on a marriage having "broken down irretrievably ". But there is a complication. This breakdown must be proved by evidencing only one of five "facts" laid down by the law. They are Adultery, Unreasonable Behaviour, Desertion, Two years’ separation with consent and Five years’ separation without consent.

Three of these methods of proof - Desertion, Two (with consent) and Five years’ separation - involve a considerable period of delay (at least two years) before a divorce is possible at all. Similarly, adultery can only be relied upon if it too has taken place. As the latest published figures (2008) from the Office of National Statistics on divorce rates in England & Wales show, this means unreasonable behaviour is the method of choice for most couples in cases where no adultery can be proved and a divorce is wanted sooner rather than later. Not a new revelation but one that has again encouraged family law practitioners to call for reform to the current divorce law

I recently worked with a husband from Bath who was separating from his wife. They had decided their marriage had irretrievably broken down. To help them work through the legal, financial and practical issues arising from their decision, they adopted the dispute resolution process known as Collaborative Law Practice. At a face to face meeting between them, her collaborative family solicitor and I, we discussed how to prove that the marriage had irretrievably broken down for the purposes of a divorce. The lawyers helped the husband and the wife together draft allegations of the unreasonable behaviour that were not unnecessarily confrontational and yet fulfilled the requirements of a District Judge sitting in the Bath Divorce Court. A task not so easily done at a distance

Despite the apparent fault based divorce process, the approach of collaborative law enabled this divorcing couple to meet their goal and achieve an amicable divorce.

My practice, at Sharp Family Law in Bath and Bristol, is devoted to helping separating and divorcing couples to find creative solutions to their issues, which with the help and support of the required professional at an affordable cost, are crafted by them - and not the divorce courts. For a free copy of “A Client’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce” contact me, Richard Sharp on +44 (0)1225 870336 or email me at richard@sharpfamilylaw.com

"Is There a Better Way to Divorce?"

Richard Sharp — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 11:23:24 +0000

THERE MAY NOT BE AN ALTERNATIVE TO DIVORCE BUT THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE TO THE WAY YOU DIVORCE

Research on the effects of divorce on children has shown that it is not the divorce but the way you divorce that impacts children. The way you divorce can also have a significant impact on the emotional, financial and legal costs of your divorce.

The message from the Media, and even family and friends is that divorces are fought in Court. Sometimes an appearance at Court before a Judge is needed, but often it can be avoided. Many Family Law Solicitors in Bath & Bristol agree that litigation is not the preferred method of resolution and it is the last thing that most clients really want.

There are a range of options to choose from and methods of dispute resolution for divorcing couples that need no attendance at Court, that help you to maintain control, that leave the decision making in your hands and hold out the prospect of reduced conflict, expense and time.

Range of Options

• Collaborative Law

This helps separating and divorcing couples to resolve their differences respectfully, together in private and without the threat of court action. Specially trained family lawyers and other professionals provide a safe environment in which positions are defused and goals developed. This enables separating and divorcing parties to make informed decisions and work strictly towards settlement at their pace and without the threat of Divorce Court intervention.

• Family Mediation

This helps separating and divorcing couples to reach mutual decisions without court intervention with the aid of a neutral professional third party. The mediator facilitates communication and helps to guide separating and divorcing parties to identify issues, explore available options and arrive at an agreement acceptable to all without offering legal advice or advocating for either party.

• Negotiation

This enables separating and divorcing couples to retain lawyers to reach agreements for them through correspondence or at round the table meetings.

Each party with their chosen lawyer can prepare an informed resolution that he or she believes is fair and share that with the other party. Thereafter, the parties negotiate those positions and proposals through lawyer's letters or "round the table” meetings, adjusting them until an acceptable middle ground is reached.

Which is the Best Option for You?

There may not be an alternative to divorce but the way you divorce and react to it may be your choice. At Sharp Family Law, we will help you choose the method that is most appropriate for you and your family based on the nature of the emotional, financial and legal issues that are before you. For more information on the divorce options contact Richard Sharp on 01225 870336 or email him at richard@sharpfamilylaw.com

Come Fly with Me - Do the Kids Go Too: Removal of Children from England & Wales

Richard Sharp — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 22:06:52 +0000

The summer holidays encourage many of us to travel abroad, find a getaway and soak up the sun for a week or two with the family. But for some the trip abroad is for much longer and the consequences are not just sunburn.

Two recent telephone calls to my office in Bath and Bristol highlight the impact that an intended permanent move abroad can have on a separating or divorced family.

The first is from a divorced father - “My ex-wife wishes to move to the Irish Republic taking our 10 year old daughter with her. She has accepted a new job and plans to leave the UK before the next school term begins. She has said that I can visit our daughter once a month and she could also visit me once a month. I cannot agree to this as my daughter is only just getting to grips with our divorce. We have a very strong bond and I promised that I would never leave her and would do all I could to live near her….. “

Another call came from a Norwegian woman married to an Englishman for the past 5 years. Having always said that she wanted their two children aged 4 & 2 to grow up in Norway, she thought they had an understanding about moving to Norway. But "...he now says that he never said he would agree to a move to Norway only that he would seriously consider it! …. I am NOT happy about this. I want to move back to Norway with our children… “

Two heart-rending cases with possible drastic implications for both families. It is this that lies at the heart of the court's dilemma when faced with determining who should go and who should stay.

The stark reality more often is that whatever happens, someone is going to suffer emotionally. How then do the courts decide these cases?

A very useful review of recent law governing the relocation of children abroad and within the UK is provided by Jacqui Gilliatt, a barrister at the Chambers of 4, Brick Court, in London. In her article entitled “I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane, Don't Know When I’ll Be Back Again: Can I Take The Children With Me?” first published in Family Law Week – Jacqui examines the law on relocating children to other countries and how the courts have been approaching such cases. There is also advice on the approach that both the resident and non-resident parent should take in pursuing or defending such cases.

I helped the non-resident father from Bristol to secure contact conditions with his 10 year old daughter that worked for them, the mother and wider family, with undertakings etc to maximise contact. Funds were spent on modern technology, web-cams, Skype, Ryanair and ensuring contact took place and not on litigation. The Norwegian mother and her husband are talking through their issues with a Family Therapist in Bath

Let's have Family Fun in the Sun this Summer - Tips for Separated Parents

Richard Sharp — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 19:30:29 +0000

Two weeks in the sun sounds fun with the family but can represent a challenge for many separated and divorced parents. Divorce Court Orders frequently provide contact for the annual summer break with the Kids, leaving dates to be agreed between the parents.

When parents can't agree, I and other family law solicitors help to negotiate or mediate arrangements between separated parents or take unresolved disputes back to the Divorce Court for it to dictate where, when and with whom children will be over the summer.

In two blog posts - “Preparing for the Summer” and “Surviving the Summer” Christina McGhee, internationally acclaimed divorce coach and parent educator gives tips on how to ensure the summer sun isn’t overshadowed by family fall outs and legal confrontations. I have drawn out the following three Do’s and Don’ts that I have seen can make the differnce for my clients in Bath & Bristol:

• Do plan early and commit to decisions made - Plan the arrangements for the summer holidays as early as possible. If you commit to doing something make sure it is followed through. Last minute clashes and changes are not easy to resolve. Children need their parents to make decisions and to stick to them

• Do support your child’s contact with the other parent – Be positive about your child spending time with their other parent. Let the children know it is OK with you that they are going away and that you will be OK too whilst they are away. It’s best for kids when both parents can be supportive of their activities and share in their excitement.

• Do help children maintain contact with the other parent – Provide the other parent with contact information and details as to where the children are going to be and who with. Let the children communicate with the other parent whilst away.

And

• Don’t talk through the children - It is tempting to relay information through the children when talking with the ex is difficult. But messaging between households is a burden children shouldn’t have to bear. Make sure you are the one delivering news about trips you are proposing to take and scheduling needs surrounding them.

• Don’t ambush the other parent - When making holiday plans, don’t set the other parent up. “I would really love for you to come with me to Spain, but it’s really up to your Mum to say yes” is neither fair on the child nor Mum. Instead, “A trip abroad would be lots of fun but before we can make plans, I need to talk with Mum to see if we can work out the details.”

• Don’t make your kids pay the price - If you make a decision to foot the holiday bill or move your schedule around to make a trip work, don’t make your kids pay the price. Whilst a trip abroad may be a wonderful experience for the child, it probably won’t be so wonderful for very long if the child has to listen to what Dad did or didn’t do to help. Children do not want to take sides – don’t make them.

And finally …..Conflict is the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for children. Let’s have family fun in the sun this summer by focusing on the needs of children.

How do you Prove Unreasonable Behaviour AND have an Amicable Divorce?

Richard Sharp — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 01:04:27 +0000

Pop singer, Cheryl Cole’s divorce from her England football husband Ashley would be “clean, swift, amicable and smooth” reported The Sun Newspaper at the end of May. And yet the divorce papers filed on her behalf were said to cite the reason for the breakup of the marriage as being Ashley Cole's "unreasonable behaviour".

if Cheryl truly wanted an amicable and smooth divorce, Ashley may have wondered why irreconcilable differences or the like wasn’t cited as the reason for the divorce. Few like to be accused of behaving so badly that their partner cannot ‘reasonably’ be expected to live with them.

Divorce in England & Wales is based on a marriage having "broken down irretrievably ". But there is a complication. This breakdown must be proved by evidencing only one of five "facts" laid down by the law - Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. They are Adultery, Unreasonable Behaviour, Desertion, Two years’ separation with consent and Five years’ separation without consent.

The lawyers helped the husband and the wife together draft allegations of the unreasonable behaviour that were not unnecessarily confrontational and yet fulfilled the requirements of a District Judge sitting in the Bath Divorce Court. A task not so easily done at a distance

Despite the apparent fault based process, the collaborative law process enabled this divorcing couple to meet their goal and achieve an amicable divorce. I am interested in hearing how others have dealt with meeting the criteria for "Unreasonable Behaviour" AND achieve an amicable divorce

Parental Alienation Awareness Day is Relevant in Bath Too

Richard Sharp — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 16:16:19 +0000

“She would love me to disappear from our son’s life. I have been resisting this but any contact with him has been very much on her terms and rules”…. a comment made by a distressed father from Bath, to me, whilst experiencing the syndrome known as “Parent Alienation”. A term given to the deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his/her children from the other parent. The motivation is to destroy the parental bond between his/her children with the other parent.

Today, 25th April 2010 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day in the USA. A day, equally relevant and needed in the UK and in my home city of Bath.

“I think it unlikely that he will promote and encourage the boys’ relationship with their mother”.. and the response to that is often “I’m prepared to “fight” by whatever legal means necessary to ensure I have contact. I expect a great deal of resistance to this; however I believe this is what my sons want”

Restorative justice isn't something that the Family Courts are quick to address and the compensation provided by them is often far less than the loss experienced. The parent denied or with limited contact with a child often feels that his/her rights have and are being compromised. In fact, that parent can feel that he/she only has such rights as the other parent, or the Family Courts, can be persuaded to grant him/her.

So, what can the denied or restricted parent do?

Cathy Meyer a US Certified Divorce Coach provides some useful advice in her article “Help for Victims of Parental Alienation Syndrome” including consider working with a mental health professional ie a child specialist and never to give up hope

In her article “Tips to Help Restore Your Relationship With Your Child/Children” Cathy reminds us that when a parent reaches out to a child there are no guarantees that their efforts will pay off but, if no effort is made, the chance of re-building the relationship is remote. She suggests a number of things a parent can do and not do while attempting to connect with an estranged child

Even when pursuing contact through the courts, I advise my clients in Bath and Bristol

• Always accept whatever contact to your child is on offer, no matter how low - or absurdly low. If you accept a two-hour visit, you have established that two-hour visits are workable; if you refuse a two-hour visit, the resident parent can argue that two hour visits are not workable and should not happen.

• Do absolutely everything possible to make contact work, i.e. no arguments, no recriminations, no harsh words. Do not be late. Do not do anything that crosses a line without the most profound consideration. Do not indulge in tit-for-tat.

• Always remember that the Court's primary concern is whether the contact has worked i.e. been glitch-free and not so much with whose responsibility it was that it did not work. If contact is said to be causing difficulties, then even if those difficulties are caused by the resident parent, your case will become a difficult case where the Courts will be far less likely to intervene on your behalf. So we must make contact work!.